You are holy. great and mighty.
the moon and the stars declare who You are.
im so unworthy but still You love me.
forever my heart will sing of how great You are.
*my souls sings to You Lord. i have made my decision, and You know my heart on that. but if im being honest with You and with myself, i need to tell you that i feel alone. i know You are with me, but i feel alone. i am desperate for You. You have given me some amazing people to pour their guts out into my life and i am literally forever grateful. but there is something in my heart that hurts so bad... over 3 years of a wasted relationship. and i mean wasted. i wouldnt normally say that, but i dont see any fruit. show me fruit if there is any. i messed up - You know that... and ive done my part in seeking redemption over it. i feel like You will honor that. and out of the very depth of my heart i pray for my old friends. i don't want anybody i love (or not) to be apart from You. God, You are good and You bring hope. Regardless of feeling and emotion - that doesn't change who You are. but because You made me human, i have a tendency to feel and to succumb to emotion. i don't want to feel dirty and to feel like i'm isolated at all in this... that's what the enemy wants, i think. i do the right thing and he makes me feel like im wrong. i know that to win at the 'game of life' alone is the same as losing altogether.*
Philip Zimbardo puts it like this:
I know of no more potent killer than isolation. There is no more destructive influence on physical and mental health than the isolation of you from me, and us from them... the devil's strategy for our times is to trivialize human existence by isolating us from one another while creating the delusion that the reasons are time pressures, work demands and economic uncertainties; by fostering narcissism and the fierce competition to be No. 1.
John Ortberg said this:
Of course, we all say that relationships are more important than money. But we constantly cheat relationships for the sake of work or money. There are no TV shows called "Who Wants to Be a Great Friend?" What we have come to call "reality" shows are programs that deliberately put one person against another. "Reality" means having someone excluded or fired or voted off the show. If we're going to play the game wisely, there are a few relational realities we need to observe.
here is what ive come to learn in my almost 24 years of a hard-knocked life...
relationships are essential to a person's happiness and well being. choose them wisely. because there is no time to play around.
we cannot make friendships and love just happen. they come, if they come at all, as gifts. our job is to make room for them... the right ones.
everyone knows that loving someone is what life is all about. whether or not you believe in God or you believe in the tooth fairy - we were designed for love. period.
we hear that is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all... but it's not like that really gives you an idea of what losing love will feel like. they make it seem like we should be counting our lucky stars to have had it... but the truth is, it hurts like hell when you lose something or somebody that you love. deeply. for me, to love is to invest... no holding back. love is selfless... it puts the other person first... and when that is gone, a piece of you dies... more like it's atrophied. useless...
how can you walk with somebody and 'do life together' and not ever really know them and their character? can love be a facade for some people? or do the lies of the enemy get so engrained into our DNA that we can't see what we're even doing?
pardon me for venting.
it's not about breaking your word to somebody you never really gave it to in the first place. im sorry. it is about sin and it is about doing wrong. true redemption and true forgiveness only comes out of true repentance, right? it's about coming clean for your redemption - because that is the only thing that matters.
man up.
i did.
breaking your word only breaks your heart if you truly love that person.
think about it.
how can it be that easy to stand before a group of people that you have been 'honored to serve' and deceive them - even at the point of your exit? half truths are still lies, by the way.
come clean.
i did.
no, this is not judgment, who am i to judge? i dont judge. i dont have the time or the energy to do that. and in case you forgot, im just as guilty. i was there too. but here's the difference... i can own up to my part. this is what i would just call sadness.
i have always been your scapegoat, and ive known it. but just so you know, i have always defended you. even when you told people that i didnt - i stuck by you and defended everything you did. i have known what you have said about me in every meeting. i know that i have been blamed for everything from day one. i know the lies and i know the times youve talked about people that you call your friends. i have held your confidence behind closed doors. and the one time i dont defend you i get blasted. but lets just stop for a second and think about why i couldnt defend you this time or anymore.
i cant sleep - im miserable - i cant worship - i cant function - i need to get healing. i need to get whole.
was this not our intention from the beginning? or was that just lip service again? or was it just easier to ship me off? how far back did you have this planned? once i became vulnerable? once i showed weakness? once i came for you to help me? which one was it? id like to know.
you are very charming, but i have a feeling that the serpent in the garden was pretty charming too - eve was a smart girl... she was deceived. the focus in that story has been on eve choosing to take a bite - well lets look at the serpent for a second. what was his part? he knew what she wanted. he played to the places in her heart that weren't met - or that she thought weren't met.
i needed love. i needed acceptance. i needed belonging. i needed a family to call my own. you knew this. you knew what i wanted. you knew my weaknesses. i mean, shit... i was trying to get help! even then?! i just didnt see it until now...
i loved our relationship. i loved how we could talk and vent. i love that you trusted me - and i you. but i should have never been that for you and we both know that. i knew you were unhappy where you were... and so was i. that is a recipe for disaster. i just pray you try to break your cycle the way that im breaking mine. i dont want you to go somewhere else and do the same thing to somebody else thats hurting. truthfully, i dont want you to be hurting anymore either. id love for God to unleash your potential in the right direction. but with each lie you tell, or each time you choose to not tell the complete truth - your heart will become a little less available for God to penetrate it. i adore you and your family, and im really going to miss the good things. but i want to never remember the bad ones. some of those memories are going to literally take God to remove from my mind. im sorry it had to end this way, but it had to.
*Jesus*
You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever
You are the grace that covers my sin
You’re everything the beginning and end
You have my soul, my heart and my mind
You have my love and all of my life
No comments:
Post a Comment