takin time

to write. i mean, it's only been about 4 months... and dangit i'm interesting and people want to know what i have to say. right?

moving on.

today is a memorial service for a guy i didn't know. his parents go to my church so we've all been involved in helping and making things go as well as possible. he was 20 years old. he took his own life. i dont really know what to say after that.

this just goes to show how important it is to express how you feel when you feel it. don't wait to send flowers til the funeral - send them daily... and im not talking about roses either. im talking about words, or hugs, or time, or whatever... just send them.

ugh.

hebrews 10:14

It was a perfect sacrifice by a perfect person to perfect some very imperfect people.

what is that?

puts things in perspective a bit. how patient is the Father toward us... yet we get so frustrated with Him..?

come away with me

He is I AM. He did not answer I EXIST, or offer one of His bazillion names (all which are really for us humans to understand anyway) He just said I AM. Climbing inside those 3 letters, God explains, "I encompass, I am beyond existence, I am nothing you will ever understand, I have no beginning and no end, I am not like you, and yet I AM."

so maybe this is my faith issue... not that i have an issue with faith... i tend to like mine... it suits me well. (that was sortof a joke). but heres my thing... this business of Jesus being God. it's hard for me to understand. of course I believe, but I must confess, when i think of Jesus i don't really picture Him in His pre-heavenly state, some great existence beyond existence, some great I AM; rather, i see Him in a manger, i see Him building a house, I see Him walking with the poor, and touching and living with the 'unlovely.' The Bible makes it clear that His time as a man was but a vapor (33 years aint old yall...).
and then i see this I AM wanting to go on a roadtrip with me... cool.

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."


I can't help but think of the Norah Jones song, Come Away With Me... and as 'secular' as it is... when i listen to it i am caught in remembrance of what Jesus wants to do with us. and for us.
here are the lyrics... and if you want a listen, go here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBKcKQHZXks

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come?

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

to go away with the King of Kings and the Lord of all Lords..? i think so.
He's calling me. He's calling you to come away with Him - the great I AM.

and i want to tell you without reservation that if there is any hope for you and me, the hope we have to be in this Man who contends He is not of us, but with us, and simply IS. i think i can take HIM up on that.

i was sharing some of this with a dear friend today. i think we agreed that rest would be nice...
and i always think of something a little more profound to say after i leave... if she was across the table i would say this:

Did you realize that the first book of the Bible that was written wasn't Genesis? It was Job. Moses wrote Job before he wrote Genesis, so it feels like that God wanted to communicate to mankind that life is hard, and there is pain, GREAT pain in life, and a whole lot of exhaustion... and yet the answer for this pain is not given in explanation; rather, God offers to this pain, or this life experience, Himself. the great I AM.

To come away with the great I AM... that is our invitation... learn the unforced rhythms of His grace, and learn to live freely and lightly.

check, please!

7 words

can you do it? can you write a profound (or maybe not so profound) prayer in 7 words?

i think about Jesus when he said:
Your kingdom come, Your will be done.

7 words.

sometimes when we pray we get too caught up in the word game and not really in the heart game. God's not after our words - if He was, He would have made a few more geniuses like CS Lewis.

i've been thinking about mine...
i think this is probably one for right now:

Give me the strength to live today.

or maybe

Thank You for Your love for me.

or maybe

I'm so very sorry. Please forgive me.


what are yours?

our hope endures

easter video elements

THE CROSS

It rests on the time line of history like a compelling diamond. Its tragedy summons all sufferers. Its absurdity attracts all cynics. Its hope lures all searchers. History has idolized and despised it, gold-plated and burned it, worn and trashed it. History has done everything but ignore it. How could you? How could you ignore such a piece of lumber? Suspended on its beams is the greatest claim in history. A crucified carpenter claiming to be GOD on earth. Divine. Eternal. The Death-Slayer. Never has timber been regarded so sacred. No wonder The Apostle Paul called The Cross event the core of The Gospel (1 Corinthians 15:3-5). Its bottom line is sobering: If the account is true, it is history's hinge. Period. If not, The Cross is history's hoax. As you ponder Christ on The Cross, What are your thoughts?

eshcol

Numbers 32: "They went as far as the valley of Eshcol."

I think that is where many of our dreams die. It is the place where we lose heart or lose sight or lose focus. That is as far as the spies got. The promise was about to be fulfilled. It was at their fingertips, but instead they let it slip through their hands.

The valley of Eshcol is the place where we stop trying or stop believing. It is the place where we turn back. But here is what God put in my heart: turning your back on a God-given dream is turning your back on God himself. Obviously, the operative phrase is "God-given." You need to keep going after that dream. Why? Not so you can accomplishment something. Please! You need to go after that God-sized dream because it is the thing that will keep you on your knees living in raw dependence upon God. That is how we grow. And that is how we glorify God.

Psalm 37 says, "Wait passionately for God."
Most of us wait passively. The Psalmist says wait passionately. How do we wait passionately? One word: prayer.

Don't lose heart. Don't lose sight. Don't lose focus.

my memoir... thus far...

The turn of the millennium had those of the world unsettled and running haphazardly around. Most everyone was wondering, “Was life as we know it going to come to a crashing halt or at the least, propel us to a different and less than adequate existence?” They were scrambling to their banks, racing to their relatives, and speeding to their stores. Suddenly food, water, and cash for gas was more inherently relevant than what to wear to their sister’s wedding or getting their next latte from Starbucks. Basic necessities of life were like fine gold and prized possessions. That time evoked feelings of fear, instability, and distrust. We were seeking provision and a sense of security in unaccustomed places of refuge.

Joshua and I were on an uncharted and anomalous journey of our own. Joshua was my unexpected protector in the midst of this global chaos, and he was leading me into the Promised Land – wherever that would prove to be. Joshua was a fitting name for him, as Bible history reports him to be a faithful, humble, and wise governor. He was Moses’ successor who led the Israelites into their Promised Land. My Joshua was no different. Joshua was a two-door Saturn sedan, fully equipped with air conditioning and a CD player. I was sixteen and all I possessed was wrapped up in Joshua: my roommate, my shelter, and my companion. As many clothes as I could fit into Joshua’s trunk would suffice for a while. We were on a major life course correction.

This life course correction wasn’t completely my choice. My family was breaking apart and had been crumbling like an avalanche for the four years leading up to the millennium. Blame wasn’t a question; it had become my middle name. I was in peril in my own home and I knew that things would have to change for my security and stability. Circumstances called for a life or death decision, so when I was at the ripe old age of sixteen, it was time to take on the world for myself, whether I was ready or not. I had no human support to direct my path.

Along the way, Joshua and I met a girl needing a ride. She became my best friend. Her name was Hope. Joshua and Hope accompanied me to school everyday. I was a sophomore in high school and had an appearance to maintain. My grades started to slip, but I wasn’t too concerned by them. After all, I had survival on my mind. Nobody knew my address and I couldn’t invite any of my friends to my house, unless they wore their seatbelt, of course. What would they think if they knew the truth anyway? Would I just be an outreach assignment for those that crossed my path? I couldn’t let that happen. I wanted to be the provider and not the project. It seemed as though when anybody got close I would always wear my coat of pride, protecting me from the storms and keeping me warm. They couldn’t know. Looking back, I often wonder who they were anyway? The theys of the world… The theys that I would never see again, yet have so much power over my thoughts. They couldn’t possibly understand my situation, nor did I really want them to, because they always seemed to know better than me anyway. They always have their ideas and most of the time, those never lined up with what I was doing. They didn’t understand why I did what I did, and if they tried to help, it usually made matters worse. At least that was the perception I had, due to the limited positive life experiences I had known.

So I continued to exist, frightened to death on the inside, yet calm and collected to the casual onlookers. Questions and answers were constantly attacking my mind. “Where am I going to sleep tonight? I guess there’s always the faithful, well-lit parking lot at Wal-Mart again. I don’t need a shower tomorrow morning anyway.” The only tasks I had was to make sure I had a enough gas to keep me moving and a private place to change clothes for school in the mornings.
Life was a lot of things back then, but dull was not one of them. It seemed inevitable that whenever I would start to change my clothes, someone would decide that they just HAD to park right in front of me, headlights and all, causing me to do a real nice duck and cover maneuver that I got pretty good at. In fact, I got so good at slipping out of my daily attire, even while I was driving at times, that I probably could’ve won an award, if one was to be had, for that sort of thing. I think I beat my own personal best record one glorious morning, when I clocked in at just under a staggering 47 seconds.
One of my greatest challenges was finding a place to bathe. Although these places of comfort and joy were few and far between, there were a handful of friends who had great showers. To feel the hot water pouring on my face and down my back felt like I was literally being washed of every stain; both externally and internally. For a brief moment I could forget about Egypt and the Pharaohs from which I had escaped and even enjoy my place of exile. Sometimes, even memories of the people I used to refer to as my family, were washed away, too. Water is liberating like that. To this day, I wonder if my benefactor’s parents ever really understood why they had to buy more shampoo and conditioner than they used to. Out of desperation and before they knew it--right in front of their faces--their happy home became my Motel 6, minus the maid service and free Continental breakfast.

The stories I would have to make up as to why I was so exhausted and why I was using their couches for long and sometimes, overnight “naps”, had become a little game to me. Between staying up late ‘studying’ and other fallacies, I managed to avoid uncomfortable and often extensive questions pertaining to the issue. “They can’t know the truth,” I would think to myself. “What would they think if they knew about me and Joshua?”

If it wasn’t for my best friend Hope, I don’t think I would have survived my own haphazard and unstable millennial chapter. Thankfully, she convinced me to take my coat to the Salvation Army and let somebody else wear pride for a while. As most growing pains, outgrowing that coat of self-importance wasn’t pleasant or comfortable. However, I’ve never once desired to slip it back on, as it was a weighty load to bear. My new coat of humility is incredibly lighter.

Almost a decade now into the millennium, Hope and I continue to travel together, unfortunately without Joshua. His job was to lead me into the Promised Land, and I can delightfully say it is flowing with milk and honey.

mocha club dot com

Lent

First of all, I have never participated in Lent... EVER. In fact, I think I may have made fun of some of the people who got so 'into' it when I was younger. I remember that it became just the thing to do, without ever realizing why you were doing it. Even in high school people would ask what they gave up for Lent, and the typical answer was something they never really did in the first place...
"I'm giving up sodas!" (when they never really drank them anyway)
"I'm going to not cuss!" (...just give them 10 minutes)
"I'm not going to watch ANY tv!" (unless it's American Idol, or 24, or House, or CSI)

So I decided to read more into it... and here's what I've come to understand:
• Lent is not a Death March to Easter – The sacrifice of Jesus the Liberating King is so significant that we cannot even begin to express our gratitude by extreme fasts.
• Feasting is as important as Fasting – The historic practice of lent is a 40 day fast. Those 40 days do not include Sundays, which were intended as a break from fasting so that believers might feast together. So, plan to feast well during Lent and make that an essential part of your spiritual preparation for Easter.
• Why 40 days? Because, Jesus fasted and was tempted in the wilderness for 40 days. Lent, then, is our time of fasting, prayer, temptation and repentance. Lent is not required anywhere in the Scriptures, but it has been a custom, which Christians have practiced for most of the last two thousand years.
• In many languages, the word "Lent" actually means "fast." This is where the custom of giving up something for Lent originated.

The focus of Lent was always threefold:
• It was a time to prepare new converts for baptism through intensive classes and instruction.
• It was a time for long-standing Christians to review their lives and renew their commitment to Jesus Christ.
• It was a time for backsliders to be restored to the faith.
• In every case, it is a time for serious, disciplined self-examination, a time spent in intensive prayer and repentance before the cross of Calvary.

Recently, a very simple realization broke my will, pride and I pray that during lent it will break my heart. Gratefulness is one of the clearest signs of a healthy spirituality. When one has been given what they do not deserve, their hearts should expand with hope and love. The opposite is also true – entitlement is a sure sign of an unhealthy spiritual life. I am praying that I will abandon my sense of entitlement and become a truly grateful woman.

So, in order to better identify with those that are truly hungry I will be limiting my diet during lent to chicken and salad.

I am not doing this to lose weight, nor do I think you should. Tomorrow I will begin a journey to rediscover what the Bible says and really enter fully into the story of Jesus, and to hopefully become a different woman – a grateful woman.

525,600 Minutes

so how do you measure a year?

Here is what I have learned, so far, in my last year of life...
- you dont have to be "old" to have a heart attack
- family is exactly what you make it - and who you make it
- pride really does come before the fall
- true friends may not be what they seem
- wisdom is seeking truth over any lie
- redemption really is a beautiful thing
- broken things dont always have to be bad
- it's ok to admit you need help... especially when you receive it
- transparency is the only way to truly live
- starting over is not as easy as the movies make it out to seem
- there is only one true enemy... and he sucks
- anniversaries are ok to celebrate
- God is so faithful

and making a list like this is really difficult when your mind is full of so many things.

i am overwhelmed and taken back by how far we've come. literally tears race down my cheeks as i remember who i was, and where You have brought me. I will never be the same again. I never want to. I love our relationship now. It's so real and genuine and pure and lovely. Lord You are so faithful to me. You love me so deeply and richly and fully and completely... and i, You. my heart is whole. You are truly my Healer. and that absolutely nothing is impossible for You. You have proved it.

wisdom from oswald

Exhaustion means that the vital forces are worn right out. Spiritual exhaustion never comes through sin but only through service, and whether or not you are exhausted will depend upon where you get your supplies. Jesus said to Peter - "Feed My sheep," but He gave him nothing to feed them with. The process of being made broken bread and poured out wine means that you have to be the nourishment for other souls until they learn to feed on God. They must drain you to the dregs. Be careful that you get your supply, or before long you will be utterly exhausted. Before other souls learn to draw on the life of the Lord Jesus direct, they have to draw on it through you; you have to be literally "sucked," until they learn to take their nourishment from God. We owe it to God to be our best for His lambs and His sheep as well as for Himself.

Has the way in which you have been serving God betrayed you into exhaustion? If so, then rally your affections. Where did you start the service from? From your own sympathy or from the basis of the Redemption of Jesus Christ? Continually go back to the foundation of your affections and recollect where the source of power is. You have no right to say - "O Lord, I am so exhausted." He saved and sanctified you in order to exhaust you. Be exhausted for God, but remember that your supply comes from Him. "All my fresh springs shall be in Thee."

My sin is not that I am exhausted (because I totally am), but rather my sin is that I'm not completely seeking the source to quench my exhaustion. I love what Mr. Chambers said about going back to the foundation of my affections. Mmm... that's some good stuff, sir. How can I expect to be light and salt when I can hardly hold my head up without my double tall ice coffee (no ice, splash of nonfat milk)? He has made Himself available to us... to fill us... to help us. In fact, I believe He likes to do it. Like, a lot.
So, cheers to an overwhelming refreshing...

open up the sky

I couldnt help posting this tonight. I had heard this song on the radio one morning in my trek to church and felt the anointing drop THICK in my car. i know at this point of reading my blog, youve looked up to see if you were reading carly beee's and, sure enough, you are... i said it. i couldnt remember who sang it, but knowing me, id find out. At Beth Moore tonight, they led into this "new song" that was supposed to be sung over as as a prepare-your-hearts sorta thing. as soon as the opening piano line played (you'll see what im talking about in a second) i knew what it was, and my arms just flew up and i was probably the only one in the room belting it out from my gut until everybody caught on. im telling you this:
its good. and its powerful. and its true. and its the absolute cry of my heart.

being satisfied with anything less than ordinary... or even ordinary itself... is not what, or where, God has called us to be living. And one of the cool things about Him, is that if He shows up the way the song asks, how completely UNordinary is His Presence! and just His Presence alone really is more extravagant than any blessing we could get.
Lord, i dont want Your blessing if i have Your Presence. and to be honest, im really good with that.

here are the lyrics, and below that is the video of the song. enjoy

Our beloved Father please come down and meet us
We are waiting on Your touch
Open up the heavens shower down Your presence
We respond to Your great love

We won’t be satisfied with anything ordinary
We won’t be satisfied at all

Open up the sky fall down like rain
We don’t want blessings we want You
Open up the sky fall down like fire
We don’t want anything but You

Our beloved Jesus we just want to see You
In the glory of Your light
Earthly things don’t matter they just fade and shatter
When we’re touched by love divine

Here we go let’s go to the throne
The place that we belong
Right into His arms

pass it on

you've heard the phrase, "be the change you want to see in the world" right?

so i decided to start the pass it on movement again today. i was driving around running some errands, and thought i should stop for a bite to eat... mama was craving a taco. so i pull through taco bells drive thru (great quality, i know) and it hit me. i need to be doing more for the people that i claim to have a passion for: people.

so i pull around, and as i was handing the employee my money, i told her to let me pay for the girls order behind me. all im saying is thank God i decided to do this at taco bell and not perry's. the drive thru worker asked, sorta hesitantly, if i knew her. i told her no but that if i could have any part in somebody else having a good day that i wanted to do it. she closed the window and came back with my straw and soda (which, might i add, is too large for my little cup holders... theyve gotta do something about that) and i went on my merry little way.

part of me really wishes i stuck around to see her face when she was told that she could put her money away... and to see how happy it might have made her feel. i wonder if she decided to 'pass it on' to the car behind her... and so on and so on.

i heard about somebody doing this a while back at a Starbucks, and how it went on for a couple hours or something like that. and to think - it had to start with just one person deciding to do it. i honestly, truthfully, just wanted to have the opportunity to play a part in making somebody's day a little bit better. i hope my goal was accomplished.

i am reminded of the words of my Healer when He said that whatever I did for the least of these I really did for Him. I want to live my life with that in the forefront of my brain. To give myself away. To give love away. its my calling and i think its yours too. How do we love? Not in big things, but in small things with great love.

So with all of that being said, I hope Jesus liked his tacos today. Or do you think He's more of a nachos bell grande guy?

the day of epiphany

two thousand and nine... wow.
in over 8,800 days in my lifetime (give or take the random leap year and lack of math skills), i have lived through 5 different US Presidents and 14 Olympic Games. In 1984, Apple introduced their first Macintosh computer and i think it's pretty safe to say that tv has come a long way since the debut of The Cosby Show. Im sure you, as my faithful and most likely more 'mature in years' reader, you could play this game too.
but when i think about this past year in particular... i am reminded of a prophecy that was spoken over me a few years back...
"You will grow ten years in one year."
There is no doubt in my mind that 2008 was my decade.

i dont exactly know what next to write, or to say. i am in utter awe of the things that God has brought me to and through in '08. and i can say that i look forward to the person that He is molding and creating in this person called carly b.

i was reading in a book earlier today and this dialogue jumped out and grabbed me by what felt like my throat. it went like this:
"You gotta have plans, Angel. You gotta hope for something in this world."
"Hope for what?"
"You can't get by any other way."
"I get by just fine."
"How?"
"I don't look back, and I don't look forward."
"What about now? You gotta think about now, Angel."
Angel smiled faintly and brushed her long, golden hair. "Now doesn't exist."

It gripped me because I think that was me. I think i lived a lot of my 8,800 days believing that now didn't exist and that tomorrow was too scary to face. some call it denial, i called it comfortable.

when you count your lifetime by the day, it puts things in perspective a little bit, doesnt it? i learned a lot last year and one of the things that ill hold with me for the rest of my days is that you dont really get a day-do-over. you dont get a second chance to live day #4,623. you get one shot.

but then you get technical and say that days are made of hours, of minutes, of seconds... blah blah blah...

however you want to measure it, days and years and lifetimes are made of moments. period.

so my new years resolution?
start counting by the moment.