but the greatest of these...

is love.

question number one: what is faith?
faith is the belief in the trustworthiness of an idea. look it up if you dont believe me. when we say we dont have faith, what we are saying is that we dont trust. or that whatever it is that we are supposed to have faith in, is not trustworthy.
i don't trust well.
i don't trust often.
but sometimes trust can sneak up on you and you dont realize that you are in fact, trusting. for example, currently, i am trusting that the chair i am sitting on will not break despite the awesome italian food (and how many pieces of bread..?) that i had tonight. trust is believing that my alarm clock will in fact go off in the morning - not that i necessarily need it - but i trust in technology. but in terms of trusting people - not so much. why is that? i dont necessarily lack a 'trust' in them initially - much like i dont un-trust the chair will hold me up - but once that first chair gives out on me - i will be less likely to trust the next. does that make sense?

faith and trust are sometimes more for the other person to keep their word in what they said they would do, than it is for us to extend the notion in the first place. it is to maintain a certain level of 'trustworthiness.' if someone decides to trust you, please dont blow it. it could be detrimental to the rest of this process.

question number two: what is hope?
i have it tattooed on my wrist: esperanza. hope in espanol... i got this tattoo when the only thing i had to hang onto was hope. hope that God wasn't going to leave me where i was. hope that this was not the best He had for me. hope that it was going to get better - and that where i was at the time was not where i was going to stay. i didnt know what that would look like for me, i just knew that i had nothing else. hope is why we get out of bed in the morning. so to me, the answer is simple. hope is necessary.

question number three: what is love?
if you know me at all, you know how i feel about this. i dont say it often, but when i do, i mean it with everything i am. i dont joke about it and i dont take it lightly. love has been so skewed and so taken out of its truest context. when the unChristian hears "God is love" no wonder they aren't attracted to Him... first ask what they think 'love' is...

we have to correct this idea of 'conditional love' because that is an oxymoron.

there is absolutely nothing conditional about love.

feelings and emotions can be conditional - love cannot. love is real. love is eternal...

faith (and trust) leads to having a hope in something bigger and better than where you are... but its love that makes you believe it.

im not entirely sure why this is what i wrote tonight... because of all things, tonight my heart is hurting. i feel like ive let people down, and i feel very discouraged. i feel unworthy of this type of affection. but maybe thats why i write... to try to feel the things that i dont necessarily feel. tonight i was told that i would have to just let somebody 'prove it' to me... to prove that they were in this for the long haul... that what they said, they believed... and that there was no amount of control that i really had in this situation except to have a little faith in them... a little hope that it was true... and the ability to let them love me the way it was intended...

love is proven.

the God of the miracle

You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. You are the God who gave sight to the blind, gave the deaf the ability to hear, raised the dead. There is no other god that can do those things. My God is mighty to save. You are the same God who did these things years ago. I believe You hold that same power today and that You can perform miracles on a daily basis. Right now I'm believing for one in specific.

I remember, when i had just decided to really turn my life around (yet again) and after You had healed me, sitting outside on the back patio smoking a cigarette, really wanting to experience You again. I remember asking You for a shooting star - something that i think is probably the coolest things that You do up there... and when i get to heaven, i want to know if maybe You can let me launch one..? Anyway, it was such a clear night and i thought, if i could just SEE You, than id feel you... so i ask... and i wait... and then i said please... and then BOOM - across the sky shot my star... all i needed was a little bit of manners i guess to make it work..! i didnt need any super spiritual Christianese - i just needed to say please!

well, God, it is with that same faith that i sneak into your throneroom. i know its late - but i feel like You and i are on the same sorta sleep schedule... please turn the electricity on at my friend Natasha's house. (and on a separate note, thanks for bringing her into my life.) but God, back in the day, all you had to do was speak and light came into existence... could you do that again? Now? i would love to start the day off tomorrow (um... ok today) knowing that You, the God of the universe, had listened to us and moved on our behalf. That would be so stinkin awesome. we just want to see You do Your thing. send us a shooting star in the form of electricity and air conditioning. Im asking for a miracle.

Please..?

the would haves

i find myself today very contemplative. very artistic. very romantic. maybe i should remind my brain that i'm only 23 - but i cant help it. im just wired this way - im created for something bigger... something deeper... regardless - i need to journal.

last night i got a text message asking to pray for one of my spiritual mentors... let me pause for a second: this is a position that i hold in very high regard - but also i found myself very inadequate to take on such a task. i was with another mentor of mine - who also got the same text... that was sent from yet another spiritual mentor... i felt conflicted. if you knew these women of God, you would not put me in this category unless you were also mentioned in the same sentence "outreach project."
whatever the reason, i was honored.
before i responded, i had a mental conversation with God. "Lord - huh?! Me? wrong number, Bro..." (ya, sometimes I refer to God as Bro... at least i capitalize the B...)

Long story short, I prayed my guts out for this woman's dad. He had chest pains and an aneurism in an artery going to his heart (i think...). When it comes to medical knowledge - i am fairly ignorant. I know that i have high blood pressure, a speedy pulse and i know when i dont feel great... thats about it. I do know that I'm sick of even hearing the word aneurism much like i am the word cancer... this is the 2nd person i know that has had one in the past month. i get pretty protective over people i care about, and the people that they care about. maybe that feeling is from my past because i never want to have anybody in my life feel like somebody doesnt want the very best for them. i believe that i know how it feels to be alone and to not have anybody fight for you.
i want to never be guilty of that.
i will do all that i can in my power to protect them and love them... and when i cant... i will pray.

so, i prayed for him. last night i believed i pleaded for his life. i felt like this was not how he was going to 'go' and i wasn't about to let my friend/mentor go through this type of thing.
sometimes as Christians i feel like we don't realize what we do when we pray - i am guilty of this. i have very few people in my life who approach the throne of the Almighty with courage and the authority that they ought. i can tell you that last night it was my heart - not necessarily my voice - that was crying out. God honored that. there was no sign of any aneurism in his test results this morning. Hallelujah.

as i was sitting outside on the patio earlier this evening, i was reminded of the power of the 'moment.' heres what God spoke to me today in the voice of a malbec and beautiful weather...i wonder if this is how Socrates and Plato had things revealed to them..? haha... who am i kidding...

The most important moments in life rarely come at a convenient time. Moments are the intersections between the past and the future. and just in case you were wondering, that time is now.
but heres the catch... moments cannot be retrieved. they can be remembered, celebrated, or regretted... but never relived.

The most spiritual act that you or i will engage in today - is the power to choose what you will do with your given moment.

One truth is certain - for those of us who refer to themselves as Christians, and those who are unChristian: time will not slow down and we will never be able to redo yesterday, yester-hour, or even yester-moment... there is no rewind button.

we need to ask ourselves - and not just ask, but really examine, what we are doing (or for that matter, not doing) with our lives now that could lead to deep regret. once a move is made - there is no going back...

i have experienced a healing from the Lord that most people - whatever their age - have never experienced.
He healed me.
there is no attitude of feeling entitled to even another breath... there can only be an attitude of severe gratefulness.

can i beg something of you?
please dont wait for the crisis.

if we wait around long enough, the crisis will come.
the crisis will always come.
but its better not to wait. take action.
do something.
do something even if you're not sure what it is youre doing, because even the act of taking action helps prevent sinking into helplessness.

heres what i resolve to do... i dont really care how cliche it sounds:
to love deeper
to laugh more
to give more generously
to live bolder
to never give up my spirit
to never yield emotionally

because heres the deal... when you resolve in your heart to honor God, He becomes involved in your life in ways you cannot foresee.
when we offer ourselves as instruments for God to use us - we create opportunities for other people to experience God through us.

how else would you rather spend your moment?

what i got

Ephesians says this about me...
- in Him I have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on me with all wisdom and understanding.
- He is making known to me the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ.
- In him I was also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.
- I was also included in Christ when I heard the word of truth, the gospel of my salvation. I believed this - so here I am baby... signed, sealed, delivered...

I was dead in my transgressions and sins... but because of his great love for me, God, who is rich in mercy, made me alive with Christ... it is ONLY by grace I have been saved.

I must live a life of love, just as Christ loved me and gave himself up for me. This is SO important to me.

I will be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.
I will put on God's armor - all of it... so that I will take a stand against the devil's schemes. I will be able to stand my ground, and after it hits - still be able to stand. My struggle is against the enemy alone.

Belt of Truth - belts are meant to be wrapped around your waist - tightly - holding everything up...
Breastplate of Righteousness - to cover my torso, my heart... keep my heart from unrighteous things - it's the wellspring of life, right?
Shield of Faith - believing that the attacks and arrows the enemy uses will be repelled and not penetrate
Helmet of Salvation - to consciously remember that I am His... I am saved...
Sword of the Spirit - the word of God... knowing the word, and believing the things that i've written above, will be my ammo

So, where does this leave me? It leaves me wanting to believe this. It leaves me wanting to run to the local armor store and purchase the stuff - the real stuff... and not the cheap stuff either. I don't want to settle for the generic brand breastplate... or an aluminum foil helmet. But unfortunately I think this is what I've done. I went to Walmart to get my armor and I was looking through the sale racks...

I haven't taken this seriously. Have you? I mean, how often do we wake up and make the decision to wrap the center of our body with truth for the day? How sharp is your sword? If the word is sharper than any double edged sword, why does mine feel like a toothpick?

How's this for being real for tonight?

the motive is love

If today had a theme it would have something to do with morality. And for anybody that's known me for more than about 47 seconds, you know that I, too, struggle with this. But here is what I re-learned today:

The motive is love - love of God, and love of others.

Obedience and morality come only AFTER a relationship is defined. Once you love someone - and you feel as though they love you in return, it is only then that you willfully obey them.

It starts with trust, which is followed by love, and ends with obedience.

As people in the 21st century, we do a great job of making the rules. It is much easier to follow a list of things to do, without ever getting any emotions or feelings involved. I know people who live by their planner. When you ask one of these people to lunch, it's an ordeal - figuring out if you can be squeezed in to a time slot - but only for an hour - because they have another appointment. We feel, in our PDA infested age, that if we could just simply restructure life and the things that come with it as a list of things to check off before 5pm (and not a minute later) we will have had a successful day.

But then I ask, what is the measure of success after all? What about for the rest of us who are relational?

If we go with the theory that we were created to be in a relationship with the One True God, and that nothing else would satisfy, then where do we get the idea that morality checklists are the way to success?

Donald Miller says this:
"Imagine how much a person's life would be changed if he trusted that he was loved by God? He could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulas of religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit anyway, and he could love people without expecting anything in return."

Basically, it would be beautiful.

I was sitting today in Chick-Fil-A, chillin with my waffle fries, when I noticed an interesting scenario about to take place. I saw a teenage girl - who probably just turned 16 - kinda just hanging out, sort of pacing back and forth. This caught my eye because you don't really see this happen at a fast food restaurant, so I set my book down but still pretended to not be very interested in anything except for my straw. I saw her talk to one of the young workers and the employee darted into the bathroom. He came back almost immediately and said something to this girl. It wasn't more than two minutes later when I saw a semi-tall, pretty lanky teenage boy - probably also 16 - in a Chick-Fil-A uniform and rubber gloves, come out of the bathroom. He had been cleaning. He scuffed his feet when he walked. Right when the young lady saw him she said, "I'm just gonna go ahead and go..."
They're dating!! How cute! She came all the way to his work, just to be with him!
But then my cheesy little grin went away pretty quickly when I saw his face.
His face was crimson with embarrassment, and he barely picked his head up to acknowledge her as he said with a sigh, "ok. i'm sorry." And with that, she was out the door.

I don't know why I was so moved over this. Maybe because I felt so bad for him that his steady girlfriend, of I'm sure about 2 weeks, now got to see him as, not a knight in shining armor, but as a fast food employee in rubber gloves having cleaned the bathroom... he was devastated and it broke my heart.

I say all of that to say that there is a certain freedom in getting our feelings of redemption from God and not other people.

It isn't quite the American dream, but it is DEFINITELY the human dream - the deepest desire and need of our heart and soul.

Anything else is a cheap imitation of a manmade answer to a God sized question.

Sushi and Truth

Heres my revelation I had today at lunch - I guess its ultimately getting back to the basics of things. Regardless, it felt new to me today.

We are wired so that something outside ourselves give us life. So we, in our very nature, would seek a kind of redemption from an outside source... The way the sun provides life to a plant - that sort of thing.

So we begin our search. But what we find in our desire, and ultimately our lack of fulfillment, ever since the separation, and even more close to home - our "Great Sadness" - is for someone, or something that loves us. I can tell you that out of my own story - I have only experienced a love that is a i-love-you-only-when-you-(fill in the blank) type of love. This will always leave you miserable and you will find yourself going through your days feeling like less of a person. You live feeling like all you are is an object - only good for a service you provide. And when you are broken, like a piece of hardware, you will be dismissed... no longer of any use. So what do you do? You force yourself - despite the rust and inability to function properly - to keep performing so that you will not be thrown away. Because not being used at all, would somehow hurt more than the very act of being used improperly.

This makes sense to me.

We need this; we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose all self-awareness and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, or by identifying ourselves by the things that other people tell us we are, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, and by that, of course, I mean the Creator.

Maybe it was just the sushi I had for lunch, but either way, I found this interesting so I thought id share it

new beginnings

im the girl that searches for the perfect word.  always.  this will probably take me longer than it should.

let me start by saying this:  my name is carly, and i enjoy getting redos.

golf calls it a mulligan.  but God calls it grace.  and i am currently experiencing it.