during this season of remembrance... this season of reflection... this season of focusing on the one true Christ... I really wanted to take the time to focus on His words... the things He taught... to try to relearn some of the things that my Messiah taught. Christmas - like the video below shared- has become so much about stuff and things and only about an hour on the 24th about our Lord. I could go into more depth about how I feel about Christmas, or how I feel like Americans have more or less de-Christianized it, but I won't. Youre welcome. :)
But it does bring me to something that has been very close to my heart recently... I am relearning what it means to walk with Christ - to truly be His disciple. To be covered in the dust of my Rabbi... Can i tell you that i am hungry for Him. I am starving for Him. And it's not just a "Lord please rescue me from this time of uncertainty," even though that is very relevant today. It's a "Lord, expand my mind so that I can truly learn from you - I want you to make me wiser, smarter, more intelligent... with the things that You want me to learn."
I'm reading this book called The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and im letting it change my life. So here's where we've come so far.
There is a HUGE difference between cheap grace - and costly grace... Cheap grace is the stuff that we have sorta created throughout the years... the stuff that says "we're saved..YAY!" but doesnt transform our lives. Costly grace is the stuff that calls us to follow - to forsake all else, and to follow Christ with everything. Yes, yes, grace is free in the sense that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us - for our ransom. But it is oh-so expensive when you understand that grace was never meant to just be a stocking stuffer. It was intended to cause a stirring in you - out of love - to follow the Messiah.
Cheap grace means the justification of sin without the justification of the sinner. Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship.
But costly grace is the gospel that must be sought again and again, the gift that must be asked for, the door at which we must knock. It is costly because is calls us to follow... and it is grace because it tell us to follow Jesus Christ. It is costly because it costs us our life, but it is grace because it is the only way to truly live. It is both costly and grace because God gave His son - but for our deliverance. You see, costly grace is the only grace that was ever intended to be given and experienced.
But the world has Christianized and Americanized grace, making it common property. Held at a low cost. Believe me, if it was cheap grace that called Levi out of his boat, i dont think he wouldve followed. If all Levi had to do was to leave his boat for an hour or so once a week to truly experience grace in its truest form, I think he'd still be fishing.
Bonhoeffer says this:
The disciple is dragged out of his relative security into a life of absolute insecurity (that is, in truth, into the absolute security and safety of the fellowship of Jesus), from a life which is observable and calculable (it is, in fact quite incalculable) into a life where everything is unobservable and fortuitous (that is, into one which is necessary and calculable), out of the realm of finite (which is in truth the infinite) into the realm of infinite possibilities (which is the one liberating reality).
Christ calls. The disciple follows. That is grace and commandment in one.
Costly grace has turned into cheap grace because of our lack of discipleship.
Christianity without the living Christ is inevitable Christianity without discipleship, and Christianity without discipleship is always Christianity without Christ.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
cleansing
Could it be that the enemy has it out for us so badly that he will take lies and make them so apart of our DNA that we cant even visualize what our life would be like should we break free from them? I think the answer is absolutely.
I don't travel a lot. I'd love to but dont really get the opportunity. I've been on just one trip really... but it was a good one. I got to go to the UK. It was December of 2005 - the day after Christmas, and I'm boarding a plane for an overseas trip. As a non-traveler, I didnt really know how to pack. So I packed somewhat lightly. It wasnt just an overnight stay - and I wasn't exactly thinking about the weather over there... winter... England... ouch. I live in Houston - our winters are about 65 degrees. You get my point. The term "winter coat" to me consists of a sweatshirt hoodie. I had checked one bag, and brought a carry on suitcase... sorta small... it even had wheels! :)
Anyway, I found out that I had a 3 hour layover in Newark when I landed there. So my bright idea was to take the train to Manhattan since I had never been before... i had time, right? So all goes well and I make it to the Big Apple and i clearly wasnt thinking about my stupid carry on bag that I now had to drag behind me all over the streets of NYC... the whole 'try to blend in' thing wasnt working for me. for 2 hours im dragging this suitcase behind me wherever i go... ugh. needless to say, i didnt really get to enjoy my layover one bit.
I say all of that to say this:
what is the unnecessary baggage we continue to carry with us, day in and day out, that is effecting our life to the point of disappointment?
For me, it has been lies from the enemy that ive carried with me for years - lies that have stunted my growth and my ability to enjoy life to its fullest. If our Lord came to give us abundance of life, how can we fully become alive carrying this extra baggage?
And the truth is, i dont think you can. if we have a thief that comes to rob us of our joy, and if Jesus says that He comes to restore joy... then we have to face the liar head on.
This is what God has to say:
Being clean comes from redemption.
And i've said it before, and ill say it again... there is a certain freedom in getting your feelings of redemption from God and not other people.
I don't travel a lot. I'd love to but dont really get the opportunity. I've been on just one trip really... but it was a good one. I got to go to the UK. It was December of 2005 - the day after Christmas, and I'm boarding a plane for an overseas trip. As a non-traveler, I didnt really know how to pack. So I packed somewhat lightly. It wasnt just an overnight stay - and I wasn't exactly thinking about the weather over there... winter... England... ouch. I live in Houston - our winters are about 65 degrees. You get my point. The term "winter coat" to me consists of a sweatshirt hoodie. I had checked one bag, and brought a carry on suitcase... sorta small... it even had wheels! :)
Anyway, I found out that I had a 3 hour layover in Newark when I landed there. So my bright idea was to take the train to Manhattan since I had never been before... i had time, right? So all goes well and I make it to the Big Apple and i clearly wasnt thinking about my stupid carry on bag that I now had to drag behind me all over the streets of NYC... the whole 'try to blend in' thing wasnt working for me. for 2 hours im dragging this suitcase behind me wherever i go... ugh. needless to say, i didnt really get to enjoy my layover one bit.
I say all of that to say this:
what is the unnecessary baggage we continue to carry with us, day in and day out, that is effecting our life to the point of disappointment?
For me, it has been lies from the enemy that ive carried with me for years - lies that have stunted my growth and my ability to enjoy life to its fullest. If our Lord came to give us abundance of life, how can we fully become alive carrying this extra baggage?
And the truth is, i dont think you can. if we have a thief that comes to rob us of our joy, and if Jesus says that He comes to restore joy... then we have to face the liar head on.
This is what God has to say:
Being clean comes from redemption.
And i've said it before, and ill say it again... there is a certain freedom in getting your feelings of redemption from God and not other people.
Monday, November 24, 2008
why ask why
we all have something that has happened in our lives that has caused us anger, confusion, grief, sorrow, and discouragement. thats when the age old question of "Why do bad things happen to good people?" comes into play. or my other favorite that I actually have been asked, "how can a good God let bad things happen?"
the doctor says the cancer is incurable.
or that your son was in a car accident.
your boss says that the economy has laid you off.
or that you will end up leaving your home prematurely, not knowing where you are going to go.
so then the news hits home... two words... one question... one prayer:
"Why God?"
out of experience, let me tell you this. when we are in the middle of a situation where our very own circumstances contradicts the character and promises of God, answering the question "Why?" does not help us get out of bed the next morning.
Habakkuk 3:19
the Sovereign Lord is my strength.
so we pray... "God give me strength to face the day... give me the things i will need to conquer the things in my way..."
and this is His response...
2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18 (Message)
So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
God is saying that when you look through the lens in your eyes, look into eternity and adjust the aperture so it comes into focus, you will see things the way they were always meant to be seen.
we have to learn to live with eternity into focus.
we need to allow God to redefine our experiences and existence in light of eternity.
we have a thief. he comes to destroy us... attacking our hearts. but God... He spoke with His sovereign Creator authority, and His word created life and spiritual sight, and we saw the glory of Christ in the gospel and believed. satan is an enemy of the gospel. but he is not sovereign. God is. this is the reason that any of us is saved.
heres your challenge: change the two word prayer of "why God?" to "help me."
"help me" may be the greatest prayer you may ever pray.
Lord, get us to the place where we can focus on eternity - declaring the hope that we have in it. Because God, it is Your hope that brings freedom... and hope that delivers... and hope that sets us free - and if our hope is truly in You... then it is hope that we will receive.
For Christ followers, we have a hope that is already known. the end of the play is already finished... we've read the last page of the book. Jesus wins. Suffering is over.
Revelation 21:3-6 (NIV)
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life.
did you hear that? it's over!
whatever we are facing has already been won. victory is ours because we are His.
by no means am i saying or implying that suffering and heartache aren't real and valid and living among us today. the economics and the Godlessness around us will drive anybody to tears. and sometimes even tears bring freedom. however, for those of us who believe... our story doesn't end there. our story ends with a beautiful picture of our Lord wiping our tears away. friends, our story ends in victory... and that is something to be happy about.
the doctor says the cancer is incurable.
or that your son was in a car accident.
your boss says that the economy has laid you off.
or that you will end up leaving your home prematurely, not knowing where you are going to go.
so then the news hits home... two words... one question... one prayer:
"Why God?"
out of experience, let me tell you this. when we are in the middle of a situation where our very own circumstances contradicts the character and promises of God, answering the question "Why?" does not help us get out of bed the next morning.
Habakkuk 3:19
the Sovereign Lord is my strength.
so we pray... "God give me strength to face the day... give me the things i will need to conquer the things in my way..."
and this is His response...
2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18 (Message)
So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
God is saying that when you look through the lens in your eyes, look into eternity and adjust the aperture so it comes into focus, you will see things the way they were always meant to be seen.
we have to learn to live with eternity into focus.
we need to allow God to redefine our experiences and existence in light of eternity.
we have a thief. he comes to destroy us... attacking our hearts. but God... He spoke with His sovereign Creator authority, and His word created life and spiritual sight, and we saw the glory of Christ in the gospel and believed. satan is an enemy of the gospel. but he is not sovereign. God is. this is the reason that any of us is saved.
heres your challenge: change the two word prayer of "why God?" to "help me."
"help me" may be the greatest prayer you may ever pray.
Lord, get us to the place where we can focus on eternity - declaring the hope that we have in it. Because God, it is Your hope that brings freedom... and hope that delivers... and hope that sets us free - and if our hope is truly in You... then it is hope that we will receive.
For Christ followers, we have a hope that is already known. the end of the play is already finished... we've read the last page of the book. Jesus wins. Suffering is over.
Revelation 21:3-6 (NIV)
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." He said to me: "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life.
did you hear that? it's over!
whatever we are facing has already been won. victory is ours because we are His.
by no means am i saying or implying that suffering and heartache aren't real and valid and living among us today. the economics and the Godlessness around us will drive anybody to tears. and sometimes even tears bring freedom. however, for those of us who believe... our story doesn't end there. our story ends with a beautiful picture of our Lord wiping our tears away. friends, our story ends in victory... and that is something to be happy about.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
feed my sheep
the Bible is easily read when it's talking about "them"... but oh-so painful when it's talking about "us."
we are supposed to rebuke the swine... not the sheep.
some of us would probably rebuke Jesus because he drank and hung out with the social outcasts... or just don't meet our qualifications of some unspoken standard.
we are so worried about talking about who and what we're against that you forget that we're supposed to be leading people to Jesus
when Jesus rebuked the pharisees we cheer him on and dont realize that those were the church-going, Bible believing people. they missed it. they got too caught up in their checking off their spiritual to do list that they neglected the sheep they were supposed to love.
religious people will always seek to justify themselves through things they do or the things they don't do as opposed to the things that Jesus did. while grace and mercy lead to the Lord, religion will always lead to despair or to pride... you try really hard at being a good Christian and dont measure up to your standards and get depressed, or you think that youre really doing a great job at it. thats us guys.
most pastors/preachers/teachers call sinners to repent of their sin but never call the religious people to repent of their religion. the result is the sinners think youre trying to make them religious, and the religious think theyre better than everybody else.... when you tell the sinners to repent of their sin, the religious applaud, but once you tell the religious to repent from their religion and their pride, they fight.
God commands all people to repent.
what kind of 'sheep feeders' are we if we only call out the drug addicts and prostitutes to repent of their sin, but dont call out the religious for their pride and self righteousness?
we need to be praying for our shepherds so that they will have discernment between the sheep and the wolves among them. because before you know it, if the shepherd doesnt act quickly and appropriately, wolves could take over and destroy the flocks of sheep that the shepherd was supposed to feed.
i know thats a lot of animal analogies for one blog. but im pretty certain you followed me.
we are supposed to rebuke the swine... not the sheep.
some of us would probably rebuke Jesus because he drank and hung out with the social outcasts... or just don't meet our qualifications of some unspoken standard.
we are so worried about talking about who and what we're against that you forget that we're supposed to be leading people to Jesus
when Jesus rebuked the pharisees we cheer him on and dont realize that those were the church-going, Bible believing people. they missed it. they got too caught up in their checking off their spiritual to do list that they neglected the sheep they were supposed to love.
religious people will always seek to justify themselves through things they do or the things they don't do as opposed to the things that Jesus did. while grace and mercy lead to the Lord, religion will always lead to despair or to pride... you try really hard at being a good Christian and dont measure up to your standards and get depressed, or you think that youre really doing a great job at it. thats us guys.
most pastors/preachers/teachers call sinners to repent of their sin but never call the religious people to repent of their religion. the result is the sinners think youre trying to make them religious, and the religious think theyre better than everybody else.... when you tell the sinners to repent of their sin, the religious applaud, but once you tell the religious to repent from their religion and their pride, they fight.
God commands all people to repent.
what kind of 'sheep feeders' are we if we only call out the drug addicts and prostitutes to repent of their sin, but dont call out the religious for their pride and self righteousness?
we need to be praying for our shepherds so that they will have discernment between the sheep and the wolves among them. because before you know it, if the shepherd doesnt act quickly and appropriately, wolves could take over and destroy the flocks of sheep that the shepherd was supposed to feed.
i know thats a lot of animal analogies for one blog. but im pretty certain you followed me.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
a letter from the redeemed
You are holy. great and mighty.
the moon and the stars declare who You are.
im so unworthy but still You love me.
forever my heart will sing of how great You are.
*my souls sings to You Lord. i have made my decision, and You know my heart on that. but if im being honest with You and with myself, i need to tell you that i feel alone. i know You are with me, but i feel alone. i am desperate for You. You have given me some amazing people to pour their guts out into my life and i am literally forever grateful. but there is something in my heart that hurts so bad... over 3 years of a wasted relationship. and i mean wasted. i wouldnt normally say that, but i dont see any fruit. show me fruit if there is any. i messed up - You know that... and ive done my part in seeking redemption over it. i feel like You will honor that. and out of the very depth of my heart i pray for my old friends. i don't want anybody i love (or not) to be apart from You. God, You are good and You bring hope. Regardless of feeling and emotion - that doesn't change who You are. but because You made me human, i have a tendency to feel and to succumb to emotion. i don't want to feel dirty and to feel like i'm isolated at all in this... that's what the enemy wants, i think. i do the right thing and he makes me feel like im wrong. i know that to win at the 'game of life' alone is the same as losing altogether.*
Philip Zimbardo puts it like this:
I know of no more potent killer than isolation. There is no more destructive influence on physical and mental health than the isolation of you from me, and us from them... the devil's strategy for our times is to trivialize human existence by isolating us from one another while creating the delusion that the reasons are time pressures, work demands and economic uncertainties; by fostering narcissism and the fierce competition to be No. 1.
John Ortberg said this:
Of course, we all say that relationships are more important than money. But we constantly cheat relationships for the sake of work or money. There are no TV shows called "Who Wants to Be a Great Friend?" What we have come to call "reality" shows are programs that deliberately put one person against another. "Reality" means having someone excluded or fired or voted off the show. If we're going to play the game wisely, there are a few relational realities we need to observe.
here is what ive come to learn in my almost 24 years of a hard-knocked life...
relationships are essential to a person's happiness and well being. choose them wisely. because there is no time to play around.
we cannot make friendships and love just happen. they come, if they come at all, as gifts. our job is to make room for them... the right ones.
everyone knows that loving someone is what life is all about. whether or not you believe in God or you believe in the tooth fairy - we were designed for love. period.
we hear that is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all... but it's not like that really gives you an idea of what losing love will feel like. they make it seem like we should be counting our lucky stars to have had it... but the truth is, it hurts like hell when you lose something or somebody that you love. deeply. for me, to love is to invest... no holding back. love is selfless... it puts the other person first... and when that is gone, a piece of you dies... more like it's atrophied. useless...
how can you walk with somebody and 'do life together' and not ever really know them and their character? can love be a facade for some people? or do the lies of the enemy get so engrained into our DNA that we can't see what we're even doing?
pardon me for venting.
it's not about breaking your word to somebody you never really gave it to in the first place. im sorry. it is about sin and it is about doing wrong. true redemption and true forgiveness only comes out of true repentance, right? it's about coming clean for your redemption - because that is the only thing that matters.
man up.
i did.
breaking your word only breaks your heart if you truly love that person.
think about it.
how can it be that easy to stand before a group of people that you have been 'honored to serve' and deceive them - even at the point of your exit? half truths are still lies, by the way.
come clean.
i did.
no, this is not judgment, who am i to judge? i dont judge. i dont have the time or the energy to do that. and in case you forgot, im just as guilty. i was there too. but here's the difference... i can own up to my part. this is what i would just call sadness.
i have always been your scapegoat, and ive known it. but just so you know, i have always defended you. even when you told people that i didnt - i stuck by you and defended everything you did. i have known what you have said about me in every meeting. i know that i have been blamed for everything from day one. i know the lies and i know the times youve talked about people that you call your friends. i have held your confidence behind closed doors. and the one time i dont defend you i get blasted. but lets just stop for a second and think about why i couldnt defend you this time or anymore.
i cant sleep - im miserable - i cant worship - i cant function - i need to get healing. i need to get whole.
was this not our intention from the beginning? or was that just lip service again? or was it just easier to ship me off? how far back did you have this planned? once i became vulnerable? once i showed weakness? once i came for you to help me? which one was it? id like to know.
you are very charming, but i have a feeling that the serpent in the garden was pretty charming too - eve was a smart girl... she was deceived. the focus in that story has been on eve choosing to take a bite - well lets look at the serpent for a second. what was his part? he knew what she wanted. he played to the places in her heart that weren't met - or that she thought weren't met.
i needed love. i needed acceptance. i needed belonging. i needed a family to call my own. you knew this. you knew what i wanted. you knew my weaknesses. i mean, shit... i was trying to get help! even then?! i just didnt see it until now...
i loved our relationship. i loved how we could talk and vent. i love that you trusted me - and i you. but i should have never been that for you and we both know that. i knew you were unhappy where you were... and so was i. that is a recipe for disaster. i just pray you try to break your cycle the way that im breaking mine. i dont want you to go somewhere else and do the same thing to somebody else thats hurting. truthfully, i dont want you to be hurting anymore either. id love for God to unleash your potential in the right direction. but with each lie you tell, or each time you choose to not tell the complete truth - your heart will become a little less available for God to penetrate it. i adore you and your family, and im really going to miss the good things. but i want to never remember the bad ones. some of those memories are going to literally take God to remove from my mind. im sorry it had to end this way, but it had to.
*Jesus*
You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever
You are the grace that covers my sin
You’re everything the beginning and end
You have my soul, my heart and my mind
You have my love and all of my life
the moon and the stars declare who You are.
im so unworthy but still You love me.
forever my heart will sing of how great You are.
*my souls sings to You Lord. i have made my decision, and You know my heart on that. but if im being honest with You and with myself, i need to tell you that i feel alone. i know You are with me, but i feel alone. i am desperate for You. You have given me some amazing people to pour their guts out into my life and i am literally forever grateful. but there is something in my heart that hurts so bad... over 3 years of a wasted relationship. and i mean wasted. i wouldnt normally say that, but i dont see any fruit. show me fruit if there is any. i messed up - You know that... and ive done my part in seeking redemption over it. i feel like You will honor that. and out of the very depth of my heart i pray for my old friends. i don't want anybody i love (or not) to be apart from You. God, You are good and You bring hope. Regardless of feeling and emotion - that doesn't change who You are. but because You made me human, i have a tendency to feel and to succumb to emotion. i don't want to feel dirty and to feel like i'm isolated at all in this... that's what the enemy wants, i think. i do the right thing and he makes me feel like im wrong. i know that to win at the 'game of life' alone is the same as losing altogether.*
Philip Zimbardo puts it like this:
I know of no more potent killer than isolation. There is no more destructive influence on physical and mental health than the isolation of you from me, and us from them... the devil's strategy for our times is to trivialize human existence by isolating us from one another while creating the delusion that the reasons are time pressures, work demands and economic uncertainties; by fostering narcissism and the fierce competition to be No. 1.
John Ortberg said this:
Of course, we all say that relationships are more important than money. But we constantly cheat relationships for the sake of work or money. There are no TV shows called "Who Wants to Be a Great Friend?" What we have come to call "reality" shows are programs that deliberately put one person against another. "Reality" means having someone excluded or fired or voted off the show. If we're going to play the game wisely, there are a few relational realities we need to observe.
here is what ive come to learn in my almost 24 years of a hard-knocked life...
relationships are essential to a person's happiness and well being. choose them wisely. because there is no time to play around.
we cannot make friendships and love just happen. they come, if they come at all, as gifts. our job is to make room for them... the right ones.
everyone knows that loving someone is what life is all about. whether or not you believe in God or you believe in the tooth fairy - we were designed for love. period.
we hear that is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all... but it's not like that really gives you an idea of what losing love will feel like. they make it seem like we should be counting our lucky stars to have had it... but the truth is, it hurts like hell when you lose something or somebody that you love. deeply. for me, to love is to invest... no holding back. love is selfless... it puts the other person first... and when that is gone, a piece of you dies... more like it's atrophied. useless...
how can you walk with somebody and 'do life together' and not ever really know them and their character? can love be a facade for some people? or do the lies of the enemy get so engrained into our DNA that we can't see what we're even doing?
pardon me for venting.
it's not about breaking your word to somebody you never really gave it to in the first place. im sorry. it is about sin and it is about doing wrong. true redemption and true forgiveness only comes out of true repentance, right? it's about coming clean for your redemption - because that is the only thing that matters.
man up.
i did.
breaking your word only breaks your heart if you truly love that person.
think about it.
how can it be that easy to stand before a group of people that you have been 'honored to serve' and deceive them - even at the point of your exit? half truths are still lies, by the way.
come clean.
i did.
no, this is not judgment, who am i to judge? i dont judge. i dont have the time or the energy to do that. and in case you forgot, im just as guilty. i was there too. but here's the difference... i can own up to my part. this is what i would just call sadness.
i have always been your scapegoat, and ive known it. but just so you know, i have always defended you. even when you told people that i didnt - i stuck by you and defended everything you did. i have known what you have said about me in every meeting. i know that i have been blamed for everything from day one. i know the lies and i know the times youve talked about people that you call your friends. i have held your confidence behind closed doors. and the one time i dont defend you i get blasted. but lets just stop for a second and think about why i couldnt defend you this time or anymore.
i cant sleep - im miserable - i cant worship - i cant function - i need to get healing. i need to get whole.
was this not our intention from the beginning? or was that just lip service again? or was it just easier to ship me off? how far back did you have this planned? once i became vulnerable? once i showed weakness? once i came for you to help me? which one was it? id like to know.
you are very charming, but i have a feeling that the serpent in the garden was pretty charming too - eve was a smart girl... she was deceived. the focus in that story has been on eve choosing to take a bite - well lets look at the serpent for a second. what was his part? he knew what she wanted. he played to the places in her heart that weren't met - or that she thought weren't met.
i needed love. i needed acceptance. i needed belonging. i needed a family to call my own. you knew this. you knew what i wanted. you knew my weaknesses. i mean, shit... i was trying to get help! even then?! i just didnt see it until now...
i loved our relationship. i loved how we could talk and vent. i love that you trusted me - and i you. but i should have never been that for you and we both know that. i knew you were unhappy where you were... and so was i. that is a recipe for disaster. i just pray you try to break your cycle the way that im breaking mine. i dont want you to go somewhere else and do the same thing to somebody else thats hurting. truthfully, i dont want you to be hurting anymore either. id love for God to unleash your potential in the right direction. but with each lie you tell, or each time you choose to not tell the complete truth - your heart will become a little less available for God to penetrate it. i adore you and your family, and im really going to miss the good things. but i want to never remember the bad ones. some of those memories are going to literally take God to remove from my mind. im sorry it had to end this way, but it had to.
*Jesus*
You are the love I need
You are the air I breathe
You are my love my life always forever
I would lay down my life
Just to be by Your side
You are my love my life always forever
You are the grace that covers my sin
You’re everything the beginning and end
You have my soul, my heart and my mind
You have my love and all of my life
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
compassion
if there is one thing i know to be true, i know that we are called by God to care. to care about God and to care about people.
last night i got to listen to my friend talk about love. and i realized that i am experiencing some ridiculously compassionate people in my life right now. i am so grateful for them. so i decided to dive into the whole idea of compassion.
By definition, compassion is a deep awareness of and sympathy for another's suffering. think about the parable of the good samaritan...
A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead with no clothes. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.' "Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?" The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."
he was moved to compassion - he had pity on him. imagine the guy who got beat up... left for dead... no clothes... and here comes the samaritan... let me say this out of experience... when you are hurting and truly desperate God will sometimes bring the most random people into your life to help you...
let me try to paint the picture for us in our current culture...
Some guy was walking down Westheimer doing some shopping and he got jumped. They beat him up, stole his wallet, even taking his designer jeans... leaving him on the curb to die. Just then, a pastor of a mega church happens to drive by when he saw him laying on the sidewalk... but he was late for a meeting so he kept driving... For the next couple hours people kept walking by - ya know, the people you see on Sundays at church... all too busy to stop... all with their own schedules... not really wanting to interfere. Because surely the guy on the ground did something to deserve this or he wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. But then, a black, homosexual, democrat comes by and was so concerned for the guy on the ground that he gave him the new clothes that he had just purchased and put him in his car to take him to the hospital. Not only that, but decided to pay for his hospital bills and give him some cash since he was going to be out of work for a couple days to recuperate.
Ok, so maybe it was an extreme picture, but that is what Jesus was trying to do. He was telling this story to a group of spiritual brats - all trying to prove their knowledge of the law to one another... You see, he was telling this story to a group of people who hated Samaritans. Samaritans were the outcasts - the mutts of society. Even when Jesus asked "who was a neighbor to the man" the response was not "the Samaritan" but "the one who showed mercy." I can imagine just how uncomfortable it was for them to even say the word "Samaritan."
Here are a few of my observations... goodness, i feel like a preacher...
Compassion will probably interrupt our schedules. if you will be sensitive enough to the promptings of God He will interrupt you and allow you to care for someone in need.
Compassion costs you something. maybe not financially (or maybe so). maybe its time. maybe its your schedule. maybe its just simply listening.
Compassion heals and changes lives. It may heal you physically, but it may also heal you emotionally. I know in my life, experiencing the compassion of people around me is one of the most life changing experiences i have ever encountered. And you may be surprised that it may change your life just as much as it changes the one youre helping.
there is no room for judgment in compassion. none.
with all of that being said, compassion is an action. compassion moves you to do something...
the more compassion you have for people, the closer you get to Christ. and when you get closer to Christ, you will begin to take on his heart... both the things that break His heart, and the things that trigger His heart to action.
last night i got to listen to my friend talk about love. and i realized that i am experiencing some ridiculously compassionate people in my life right now. i am so grateful for them. so i decided to dive into the whole idea of compassion.
By definition, compassion is a deep awareness of and sympathy for another's suffering. think about the parable of the good samaritan...
A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead with no clothes. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Look after him,' he said, 'and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.' "Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?" The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."
he was moved to compassion - he had pity on him. imagine the guy who got beat up... left for dead... no clothes... and here comes the samaritan... let me say this out of experience... when you are hurting and truly desperate God will sometimes bring the most random people into your life to help you...
let me try to paint the picture for us in our current culture...
Some guy was walking down Westheimer doing some shopping and he got jumped. They beat him up, stole his wallet, even taking his designer jeans... leaving him on the curb to die. Just then, a pastor of a mega church happens to drive by when he saw him laying on the sidewalk... but he was late for a meeting so he kept driving... For the next couple hours people kept walking by - ya know, the people you see on Sundays at church... all too busy to stop... all with their own schedules... not really wanting to interfere. Because surely the guy on the ground did something to deserve this or he wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. But then, a black, homosexual, democrat comes by and was so concerned for the guy on the ground that he gave him the new clothes that he had just purchased and put him in his car to take him to the hospital. Not only that, but decided to pay for his hospital bills and give him some cash since he was going to be out of work for a couple days to recuperate.
Ok, so maybe it was an extreme picture, but that is what Jesus was trying to do. He was telling this story to a group of spiritual brats - all trying to prove their knowledge of the law to one another... You see, he was telling this story to a group of people who hated Samaritans. Samaritans were the outcasts - the mutts of society. Even when Jesus asked "who was a neighbor to the man" the response was not "the Samaritan" but "the one who showed mercy." I can imagine just how uncomfortable it was for them to even say the word "Samaritan."
Here are a few of my observations... goodness, i feel like a preacher...
Compassion will probably interrupt our schedules. if you will be sensitive enough to the promptings of God He will interrupt you and allow you to care for someone in need.
Compassion costs you something. maybe not financially (or maybe so). maybe its time. maybe its your schedule. maybe its just simply listening.
Compassion heals and changes lives. It may heal you physically, but it may also heal you emotionally. I know in my life, experiencing the compassion of people around me is one of the most life changing experiences i have ever encountered. And you may be surprised that it may change your life just as much as it changes the one youre helping.
there is no room for judgment in compassion. none.
with all of that being said, compassion is an action. compassion moves you to do something...
the more compassion you have for people, the closer you get to Christ. and when you get closer to Christ, you will begin to take on his heart... both the things that break His heart, and the things that trigger His heart to action.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
keeping up appearances
sin avoidance is NOT the same as integrity.
i dont want to live my life tiptoeing through, hoping i dont fall into a sin trap... i want to live my life knowing that i walked it with integrity and my character was proven to be good. I want to be like the wife with noble character in Proverbs 31.
i read a book recently that has really taken my thoughts and views on the church to the next level. this book is called 'unchristian' by david kinnamen and gabe lyons - the barna group guy. they went out and researched and asked people of all ages why they are "unchristian" (the term they coined after meeting this group of people.) but of all the surveys, one really left a lasting impression on me, and it wasnt a question to the unchristians, it was a questions to those of us that are followers of Christ.
What is the measure of your Christian life? Basically, how can you tell you're doing a good job at it?
the number one answer?
the appearance of having no sin.
the answer was not devout worship, and studying the Word, feeding the homeless, and prayer. it was appearing that you were in a sense, sin-less. avoiding sin. thats how you know youre doing it right...
huh?! i mean, who are you trying to fool anyway?
unfortunately, and i hate to bust your spiritual bubble on this one, but ALL have sinned and fallen short. And the longer that you want to waste your life appearing like youre better than the rest of the world - you have missed it. you have missed out on some ridiculously important values that you claim with your mouth that you support.
lets love somebody for a change. lets worship the Lord with a little more heart. lets pray and read and actually let it move you somewhere deeper.
avoiding sin is going to be a pretty hard task to accomplish for you and me. but even if you get over the fact that you will in fact sin, probably within the next 5 minutes... can we as a Christian culture get over the fact that what we really want is not necessarily a deeper relationship with the Lord at all... but what we want is the guy next to us in church to think we have one deeper than his.
ouch.
if we strive to appear to be sinless, we may fool some people - but thats not living in a real and authentic community with anybody. real community, and real relationships are essential to having abundant life, and i believe a life of transparency is essential to having real relationships.
appearing to have no sin is foolish, and using that to measure our Christian life is ludicrous. sin is inevitable.
but when it comes to integrity - its about the heart. living a life with integrity and with noble character really doesn't come down to if you had a drink or if you said a bad word. living a life of integrity comes down to telling the truth and doing the right thing when it doesn't feel good...
it's about letting the character of Christ transform your life.
But they will know that we are His followers because of, not how we appear to have no no sin, but by how we love them.
James Stalker, puts it like this:
"The most important part of the training of the Twelve was one which perhaps at the time little noticed, though it was producing splendid results - the silent and constant influence of his character on them. It was this which made them into the men they became."
i dont want to live my life tiptoeing through, hoping i dont fall into a sin trap... i want to live my life knowing that i walked it with integrity and my character was proven to be good. I want to be like the wife with noble character in Proverbs 31.
i read a book recently that has really taken my thoughts and views on the church to the next level. this book is called 'unchristian' by david kinnamen and gabe lyons - the barna group guy. they went out and researched and asked people of all ages why they are "unchristian" (the term they coined after meeting this group of people.) but of all the surveys, one really left a lasting impression on me, and it wasnt a question to the unchristians, it was a questions to those of us that are followers of Christ.
What is the measure of your Christian life? Basically, how can you tell you're doing a good job at it?
the number one answer?
the appearance of having no sin.
the answer was not devout worship, and studying the Word, feeding the homeless, and prayer. it was appearing that you were in a sense, sin-less. avoiding sin. thats how you know youre doing it right...
huh?! i mean, who are you trying to fool anyway?
unfortunately, and i hate to bust your spiritual bubble on this one, but ALL have sinned and fallen short. And the longer that you want to waste your life appearing like youre better than the rest of the world - you have missed it. you have missed out on some ridiculously important values that you claim with your mouth that you support.
lets love somebody for a change. lets worship the Lord with a little more heart. lets pray and read and actually let it move you somewhere deeper.
avoiding sin is going to be a pretty hard task to accomplish for you and me. but even if you get over the fact that you will in fact sin, probably within the next 5 minutes... can we as a Christian culture get over the fact that what we really want is not necessarily a deeper relationship with the Lord at all... but what we want is the guy next to us in church to think we have one deeper than his.
ouch.
if we strive to appear to be sinless, we may fool some people - but thats not living in a real and authentic community with anybody. real community, and real relationships are essential to having abundant life, and i believe a life of transparency is essential to having real relationships.
appearing to have no sin is foolish, and using that to measure our Christian life is ludicrous. sin is inevitable.
but when it comes to integrity - its about the heart. living a life with integrity and with noble character really doesn't come down to if you had a drink or if you said a bad word. living a life of integrity comes down to telling the truth and doing the right thing when it doesn't feel good...
it's about letting the character of Christ transform your life.
But they will know that we are His followers because of, not how we appear to have no no sin, but by how we love them.
James Stalker, puts it like this:
"The most important part of the training of the Twelve was one which perhaps at the time little noticed, though it was producing splendid results - the silent and constant influence of his character on them. It was this which made them into the men they became."
Thursday, November 6, 2008
struggles and such
God never wastes a hurt.
If my mission cannot start here, where I am... it cannot start at all.
If my mission cannot start here, where I am... it cannot start at all.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
risk takers
"Is - is he a man?" asked Lucy.
"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
The average man does not want to be free, he wants to be safe.
Freedom requires decision making, soul searching, and risk taking. And if you do it right, my guess is that those things won't come easy for you. The thing about safety is that usually all it requires is comfort.
Every time you say no to God - you change a little. Your heart gets a little harder. Your spirit dies a little. Your addiction to comfort gets a little stronger.
What really matters when God calls you to do something is not whether or not you feel inadequate. Of course you will; you are inadequate. So am I. That's why God promises to go with us, What matters is your decision. Only people who say yes to challenge, demand, and risk are ever fully alive.
One truth about us is that we forget we are going to die... another truth is that we forget we are alive.
I want to leave the world a little changed. When it's time to go, I would like for someone to say, "My life is a little richer, my world is a little bigger, I'm a better person because this human being walked the planet awhile. She made a difference. She changed my life."
Lord, in everything that I do, I want to see Your options for my life over any other. I want to be able to take risk and challenge as gifts from You to grow me into the person and the character that You have designed me to be from before the world was created. Please don't pass me by.
"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
The average man does not want to be free, he wants to be safe.
Freedom requires decision making, soul searching, and risk taking. And if you do it right, my guess is that those things won't come easy for you. The thing about safety is that usually all it requires is comfort.
Every time you say no to God - you change a little. Your heart gets a little harder. Your spirit dies a little. Your addiction to comfort gets a little stronger.
What really matters when God calls you to do something is not whether or not you feel inadequate. Of course you will; you are inadequate. So am I. That's why God promises to go with us, What matters is your decision. Only people who say yes to challenge, demand, and risk are ever fully alive.
One truth about us is that we forget we are going to die... another truth is that we forget we are alive.
I want to leave the world a little changed. When it's time to go, I would like for someone to say, "My life is a little richer, my world is a little bigger, I'm a better person because this human being walked the planet awhile. She made a difference. She changed my life."
Lord, in everything that I do, I want to see Your options for my life over any other. I want to be able to take risk and challenge as gifts from You to grow me into the person and the character that You have designed me to be from before the world was created. Please don't pass me by.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
you can't handle the truth
Here's the funny thing about truth... If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
You don't have to remember what story you told to what person and if today's story is going to match with the one you tried to remember last week... truth is essential to authentic relationships and transparency is golden. I have a core of people who know everything about me. Everything that I've done and everything that's been done. There is nothing to hide from this core. There is such freedom in that.
So, as you can see, I've been on a truth hunt. Maybe it's because today is election day. Maybe it's because I continue to hear stories about me that even I was unaware of. Maybe it's because I continue to find out that people are so comfortable with lying - especially if it can benefit them in the slightest. We hear all the time that the truth will set us free... well, i want freedom.
This is what my boy Oswald Chambers has to say today...(i love how God ordains certain things sometimes)
"Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you." James 4:8
It is essential to give people a chance of acting on the truth of God. The responsibility must be left with the individual, you cannot act for him, it must be his own deliberate act, but the evangelical message ought always to lead a man to act. The paralysis of refusing to act leaves a man exactly where he was before; when once he acts, he is never the same. It is the foolishness of it that stands in the way of hundreds who have been convicted by the Spirit of God. Immediately I precipitate myself over into an act, that second I live; all the rest is existence. The moments when I truly live are the moments when I act with my whole will.
Never allow a truth of God that is brought home to your soul to pass without acting on it, not necessarily physically, but in will. Record it, with ink or with blood. The feeblest saint who transacts business with Jesus Christ is emancipated the second he acts; all the almighty power of God is on his behalf. We come up to the truth of God, we confess we are wrong, but go back again; then we come up to it again, and go back; until we learn that we have no business to go back. We have to go clean over on some word of our redeeming Lord and transact business with Him. His word "come" means "transact." "Come unto Me." The last thing we do is to come; but everyone who does come knows that that second the supernatural rush of the life of God invades him instantly. The dominating power of the world, the flesh and the devil is paralysed, not by your act, but because your act has linked you on to God and His redemptive power.
Can we just take a moment to really meditate on that....
The feeblest saint who transacts business with Jesus Christ is emancipated the second he acts; all the almighty power of God is on his behalf.
When you tell the truth, you create the possibility for more truth around you. Period. the truth will set us free... the truth will set us free...
It seems like for the majority of my life, I have been doubted. i have wasted the last 11 years defending my character and defending my story and im not really sure why. What's the point? People are going to say what they want and attack who they want regardless of what is true.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four; calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
This is not a debate of absolute truth vs relative truth... im not Plato and I don't claim to be a philosopher. But I do know this:
The thief comes to kill steal and destroy... and he also comes to deceive and lie and distract... there is only one enemy.
Psalm 15:1-3
LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?
He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart
and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman,
Psalm 15:1-3 (The Message)
God, who gets invited to dinner at your place?
How do we get on your guest list?
"Walk straight,
act right,
tell the truth.
"Don't hurt your friend,
don't blame your neighbor;
despise the despicable.
God, whatever is true and noble - let me think on THOSE things. I don't want to waste my time with liars and lies and the sin that so easily entangles. Forgive me for my part.
You don't have to remember what story you told to what person and if today's story is going to match with the one you tried to remember last week... truth is essential to authentic relationships and transparency is golden. I have a core of people who know everything about me. Everything that I've done and everything that's been done. There is nothing to hide from this core. There is such freedom in that.
So, as you can see, I've been on a truth hunt. Maybe it's because today is election day. Maybe it's because I continue to hear stories about me that even I was unaware of. Maybe it's because I continue to find out that people are so comfortable with lying - especially if it can benefit them in the slightest. We hear all the time that the truth will set us free... well, i want freedom.
This is what my boy Oswald Chambers has to say today...(i love how God ordains certain things sometimes)
"Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you." James 4:8
It is essential to give people a chance of acting on the truth of God. The responsibility must be left with the individual, you cannot act for him, it must be his own deliberate act, but the evangelical message ought always to lead a man to act. The paralysis of refusing to act leaves a man exactly where he was before; when once he acts, he is never the same. It is the foolishness of it that stands in the way of hundreds who have been convicted by the Spirit of God. Immediately I precipitate myself over into an act, that second I live; all the rest is existence. The moments when I truly live are the moments when I act with my whole will.
Never allow a truth of God that is brought home to your soul to pass without acting on it, not necessarily physically, but in will. Record it, with ink or with blood. The feeblest saint who transacts business with Jesus Christ is emancipated the second he acts; all the almighty power of God is on his behalf. We come up to the truth of God, we confess we are wrong, but go back again; then we come up to it again, and go back; until we learn that we have no business to go back. We have to go clean over on some word of our redeeming Lord and transact business with Him. His word "come" means "transact." "Come unto Me." The last thing we do is to come; but everyone who does come knows that that second the supernatural rush of the life of God invades him instantly. The dominating power of the world, the flesh and the devil is paralysed, not by your act, but because your act has linked you on to God and His redemptive power.
Can we just take a moment to really meditate on that....
The feeblest saint who transacts business with Jesus Christ is emancipated the second he acts; all the almighty power of God is on his behalf.
When you tell the truth, you create the possibility for more truth around you. Period. the truth will set us free... the truth will set us free...
It seems like for the majority of my life, I have been doubted. i have wasted the last 11 years defending my character and defending my story and im not really sure why. What's the point? People are going to say what they want and attack who they want regardless of what is true.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four; calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
This is not a debate of absolute truth vs relative truth... im not Plato and I don't claim to be a philosopher. But I do know this:
The thief comes to kill steal and destroy... and he also comes to deceive and lie and distract... there is only one enemy.
Psalm 15:1-3
LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?
He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart
and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman,
Psalm 15:1-3 (The Message)
God, who gets invited to dinner at your place?
How do we get on your guest list?
"Walk straight,
act right,
tell the truth.
"Don't hurt your friend,
don't blame your neighbor;
despise the despicable.
God, whatever is true and noble - let me think on THOSE things. I don't want to waste my time with liars and lies and the sin that so easily entangles. Forgive me for my part.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
grace
Grace, grace, God's grace
Grace that can pardon and cleanse within...
Grace, grace, God’s grace
Grace that is greater than all our sin...
we are willing to talk about it, not really willing to understand it. we can throw it around, but frankly i think the idea of grace scares a lot of us. there are those who find it easy to extend... those who find it easy to receive... and those who don't really do either one too well.
grace is funny, because its completely not deserved. in a world where we work to get everything that we need - this is the one that is most essential and we can do nothing to attain it on our own. does that bring comfort or fear to you?
i want so badly to be someone that inspires and encourages and extends grace.
John Piper describes those who deal in the currency of grace: “They have their heat sensors adjusted and alert for embers of grace that they can fan; while the other kind of people, it seems, have their buckets of criticism ready to pour on the ashes of imperfection.”
grace transforms.
Bono put it like this, "Grace makes beauty out of ugly things."
i love reality shows. (dont judge me). they're like a train wreck and i can't stop watching them... i love the trashy Bravo shows like Project Runway and Real Housewives of New York... i have no shame. But then there are the shows like What Not to Wear and Extreme Makeover Home Edition... i can't actually watch those without crying, so i choose not to. Well, i don't really cry for What Not to Wear unless it was REALLY good. But there's something about a transformation of a house (or um, wardrobe...) of someone who didnt earn it by anything they did that makes you feel so good... so emotional... so... ya know...
so heres my point. how much more is a life than a house or a little black dress?! Imagine the tears that God - the Transformer - cries when He sees the transformed life... gut wrenching.
:::sigh:::
grace. undeserved.
Grace that can pardon and cleanse within...
Grace, grace, God’s grace
Grace that is greater than all our sin...
we are willing to talk about it, not really willing to understand it. we can throw it around, but frankly i think the idea of grace scares a lot of us. there are those who find it easy to extend... those who find it easy to receive... and those who don't really do either one too well.
grace is funny, because its completely not deserved. in a world where we work to get everything that we need - this is the one that is most essential and we can do nothing to attain it on our own. does that bring comfort or fear to you?
i want so badly to be someone that inspires and encourages and extends grace.
John Piper describes those who deal in the currency of grace: “They have their heat sensors adjusted and alert for embers of grace that they can fan; while the other kind of people, it seems, have their buckets of criticism ready to pour on the ashes of imperfection.”
grace transforms.
Bono put it like this, "Grace makes beauty out of ugly things."
i love reality shows. (dont judge me). they're like a train wreck and i can't stop watching them... i love the trashy Bravo shows like Project Runway and Real Housewives of New York... i have no shame. But then there are the shows like What Not to Wear and Extreme Makeover Home Edition... i can't actually watch those without crying, so i choose not to. Well, i don't really cry for What Not to Wear unless it was REALLY good. But there's something about a transformation of a house (or um, wardrobe...) of someone who didnt earn it by anything they did that makes you feel so good... so emotional... so... ya know...
so heres my point. how much more is a life than a house or a little black dress?! Imagine the tears that God - the Transformer - cries when He sees the transformed life... gut wrenching.
:::sigh:::
grace. undeserved.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
broken things
You can have my heart but it isn't new
It's been used and broken and only comes in blue
It's been down a long road and it got dirty on the way
If I give it to you will you make it clean wash the pain away
You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my heart
If you don't mind these tears
I heard that you make all things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it, you can have my heart
So beyond repair, nothing I could do
I tried to fix it myself but it was only worse when i got through
But then you walked right into my darkness and you speak words so sweet
You hold me like a child til my frozen tears fall at your feet
You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my heart
If you don't mind these tears
I heard that you make all things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it, you can have my heart
It's been used and broken and only comes in blue
It's been down a long road and it got dirty on the way
If I give it to you will you make it clean wash the pain away
You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my heart
If you don't mind these tears
I heard that you make all things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it, you can have my heart
So beyond repair, nothing I could do
I tried to fix it myself but it was only worse when i got through
But then you walked right into my darkness and you speak words so sweet
You hold me like a child til my frozen tears fall at your feet
You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my heart
If you don't mind these tears
I heard that you make all things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it, you can have my heart
Thursday, October 16, 2008
the performance trap
if only we could be 'better' right? oh i want so badly to be and produce excellence... my desire? i want to be memorable!
i dont know about you, but i get a false sense of security when i perform well... but also a sense of condemnation and guilt when i dont perform well.
what does the Scripture say?
all have sinned and fallen short. fallen short of what? the target... the glory of God...
the thing about the glory of God is that it makes us so alive - it gives us hope, peace, joy, makes us like Jesus... it's our target - it's our aim... if sinning is to "miss the mark" - the mark is the glory!!
no matter how hard i try, im gonna fall short. period. when my spiritual enemy tells me that im not good enough, he deceives me... with truth actually. Thats the WORST! he takes truth to use it in a way of condemnation. the truth is, im NOT good enough... nobody is... oh but thats when my Hero enters the scene. JESUS - THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME DESPITE ME!
the apostle Paul probably lived under this performance trap, too. he give his credentials in Philippians... chapter 3 if read it if youd like to read it...
It would be like saying that I was the valedictorian of Harvard (hey Nick!), CEO of a Fortune 500 company (Hey Natasha!), and can trace my bloodline back to Abraham Lincoln. Oh and Mother Teresa is my aunt. If anybody had any reason to brag about where they’ve come from, and how successful they are, Paul could totally do it. But now we see Paul saying that not that those things are bad, but in retrospect, in comparison to knowing Christ, it’s garbage.
One of the very best indicators of the reality and depth and vitality of your relationship with Christ is the issue of what we are content with and what we are discontent with in our lives. Anything that totally consumes you apart from Christ is bondage. If you have something in your life that takes all your time, energy, effort, vision, and mental thought it is not of Christ. You are not FREE to serve, love, be loved or achieve the things Christ has predestined for you with this hindrance in your way. Some find themselves needing to lay down their physical appearance at His altar. They put all of their confidence and self worth in their clothes, body, hair and face. They are constantly trying to perfect it by starving, working out, shopping, etc.
What's my thing that consumes my thoughts? Lately, it's being happy. Rather, not being depressed. Can you believe that I have put that in front of the Lord? It's like focusing on getting my car fixed - but not ever going to the mechanic... or stressing out about eating and never hitting up HEB (Hey Marty!)
Is this pride? Is this my idea that I can fix me with out my Fixer? Without my Author and Perfecter of Life? After all, He wrote my stinkin story!
One of favorites is the Message version of Matthew 11:28... can i share?
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
:::sigh:::
You see, Paul had not always cherished the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ. He was not always motivated by holy discontentment to pursue more and more of Christ. Before his conversion, Saul of Tarsus was anything but discontent about his relationship to God. He was supremely confident in his flesh, bragging about his godly heritage and personal accomplishments - while M I S S I N G it. But then a radical change occurred in his life. The Spirit of God invaded Paul's heart in irresistible grace and humbled his pride. The Holy Spirit opened Paul's eyes to see that all these natural and personal advantages that he put so much confidence in were in reality not assets at all but liabilities because they kept him form knowing Christ.
**God of the humble... I pray right now for our church and church leaders... One of the things that King Nebuchadnezzar and Lucifer had in common was pride - and it was the very thing that got them overthrown from their high position... and it wasn't a graceful and private fall either. I don't want that for anybody I know (or don't know for that matter. I love people so much - and You've given me that passion for your people!) Save us... save them. Forgive us for being so blind to our own actions... all of us. God I'm not praying for 'them' I'm praying for 'us'. You are the only truth and the way... don't let those words become 'cliche' or 'religious' - let them be like daggers.**
Paul came to see that only by counting that other "gain" as loss, as refuse could he ever get what is really the greatest gain. The Spirit of God enabled Paul to see Christ as he really is - the pearl of great price, the treasure buried in the field that is so valuable that it is a joyful thing to sell everything you have to obtain it. (Read it...Matthew. 13:44-45) If you cling to the "gain" of the flesh or of possessions or of pride, you will never have the true gain, the only gain in all the world that is ultimately worth having, the only gain that will satisfy you for all eternity - the gain of knowing Christ Jesus as your Lord. And taking it seriously.
**I have a friend that it hurting Lord. Hurting real bad. Doesn't think happiness will ever be theirs. I can relate. I pray that You flood their body today such peace... and joy... and wisdom regarding certain situations. God I pray for anniversaries. Anniversaries that remind us of good things, and of bad things... God that You would distract us with You when we need You the most... and when we don't know that it is You that we need - I pray You move in our lives even more. I come against the spirit of depression and the spirit of anxiety... God that's not how You intended for Your people to live. You want us happy. I believe that. last night I can sing "I know who I am... I am Yours... You're my identity" - I can sing "I believe You're my Healer... Nothing is impossible for You... I trust in You" - I mean, I can have it stinkin tattooed on my arm... L E T I T B E.**
i dont know about you, but i get a false sense of security when i perform well... but also a sense of condemnation and guilt when i dont perform well.
what does the Scripture say?
all have sinned and fallen short. fallen short of what? the target... the glory of God...
the thing about the glory of God is that it makes us so alive - it gives us hope, peace, joy, makes us like Jesus... it's our target - it's our aim... if sinning is to "miss the mark" - the mark is the glory!!
no matter how hard i try, im gonna fall short. period. when my spiritual enemy tells me that im not good enough, he deceives me... with truth actually. Thats the WORST! he takes truth to use it in a way of condemnation. the truth is, im NOT good enough... nobody is... oh but thats when my Hero enters the scene. JESUS - THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME DESPITE ME!
the apostle Paul probably lived under this performance trap, too. he give his credentials in Philippians... chapter 3 if read it if youd like to read it...
It would be like saying that I was the valedictorian of Harvard (hey Nick!), CEO of a Fortune 500 company (Hey Natasha!), and can trace my bloodline back to Abraham Lincoln. Oh and Mother Teresa is my aunt. If anybody had any reason to brag about where they’ve come from, and how successful they are, Paul could totally do it. But now we see Paul saying that not that those things are bad, but in retrospect, in comparison to knowing Christ, it’s garbage.
One of the very best indicators of the reality and depth and vitality of your relationship with Christ is the issue of what we are content with and what we are discontent with in our lives. Anything that totally consumes you apart from Christ is bondage. If you have something in your life that takes all your time, energy, effort, vision, and mental thought it is not of Christ. You are not FREE to serve, love, be loved or achieve the things Christ has predestined for you with this hindrance in your way. Some find themselves needing to lay down their physical appearance at His altar. They put all of their confidence and self worth in their clothes, body, hair and face. They are constantly trying to perfect it by starving, working out, shopping, etc.
What's my thing that consumes my thoughts? Lately, it's being happy. Rather, not being depressed. Can you believe that I have put that in front of the Lord? It's like focusing on getting my car fixed - but not ever going to the mechanic... or stressing out about eating and never hitting up HEB (Hey Marty!)
Is this pride? Is this my idea that I can fix me with out my Fixer? Without my Author and Perfecter of Life? After all, He wrote my stinkin story!
One of favorites is the Message version of Matthew 11:28... can i share?
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
:::sigh:::
You see, Paul had not always cherished the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ. He was not always motivated by holy discontentment to pursue more and more of Christ. Before his conversion, Saul of Tarsus was anything but discontent about his relationship to God. He was supremely confident in his flesh, bragging about his godly heritage and personal accomplishments - while M I S S I N G it. But then a radical change occurred in his life. The Spirit of God invaded Paul's heart in irresistible grace and humbled his pride. The Holy Spirit opened Paul's eyes to see that all these natural and personal advantages that he put so much confidence in were in reality not assets at all but liabilities because they kept him form knowing Christ.
**God of the humble... I pray right now for our church and church leaders... One of the things that King Nebuchadnezzar and Lucifer had in common was pride - and it was the very thing that got them overthrown from their high position... and it wasn't a graceful and private fall either. I don't want that for anybody I know (or don't know for that matter. I love people so much - and You've given me that passion for your people!) Save us... save them. Forgive us for being so blind to our own actions... all of us. God I'm not praying for 'them' I'm praying for 'us'. You are the only truth and the way... don't let those words become 'cliche' or 'religious' - let them be like daggers.**
Paul came to see that only by counting that other "gain" as loss, as refuse could he ever get what is really the greatest gain. The Spirit of God enabled Paul to see Christ as he really is - the pearl of great price, the treasure buried in the field that is so valuable that it is a joyful thing to sell everything you have to obtain it. (Read it...Matthew. 13:44-45) If you cling to the "gain" of the flesh or of possessions or of pride, you will never have the true gain, the only gain in all the world that is ultimately worth having, the only gain that will satisfy you for all eternity - the gain of knowing Christ Jesus as your Lord. And taking it seriously.
**I have a friend that it hurting Lord. Hurting real bad. Doesn't think happiness will ever be theirs. I can relate. I pray that You flood their body today such peace... and joy... and wisdom regarding certain situations. God I pray for anniversaries. Anniversaries that remind us of good things, and of bad things... God that You would distract us with You when we need You the most... and when we don't know that it is You that we need - I pray You move in our lives even more. I come against the spirit of depression and the spirit of anxiety... God that's not how You intended for Your people to live. You want us happy. I believe that. last night I can sing "I know who I am... I am Yours... You're my identity" - I can sing "I believe You're my Healer... Nothing is impossible for You... I trust in You" - I mean, I can have it stinkin tattooed on my arm... L E T I T B E.**
Monday, October 13, 2008
work: meet motivation
everything in this life is temporary.
does any of this really matter? i believe that i will not be energized unless i can see myself on the other side of this... when i feel like everything im doing has little to no effect on the world around me, i will not have the energy to even make it through the day. but if i were to realize that what i fill my day with - the relationships i will encounter - the work that i do - when that matters... i believe there will be an energizing spirit that will overwhelm me... no more fatigue. significance is the key to energy.
you find energy and strength and motivation and inspiration when you connect meaning to your work - if you cannot answer the question what is the meaning of my work, you will not have the energy to go to work and do it well.
am i really changing anything? have i found the significance of my actions and activities?
if you dont have a "why" in your life - you will constantly be tired - lacking energy.
there is nothing that will energize you more than to have and experience passion and vision and hope - and to know what your life is about... dont lose your intention... your purpose...your calling.
i dont want to move to burnout - and then to collapse...
one day this will just be a memory.
does any of this really matter? i believe that i will not be energized unless i can see myself on the other side of this... when i feel like everything im doing has little to no effect on the world around me, i will not have the energy to even make it through the day. but if i were to realize that what i fill my day with - the relationships i will encounter - the work that i do - when that matters... i believe there will be an energizing spirit that will overwhelm me... no more fatigue. significance is the key to energy.
you find energy and strength and motivation and inspiration when you connect meaning to your work - if you cannot answer the question what is the meaning of my work, you will not have the energy to go to work and do it well.
am i really changing anything? have i found the significance of my actions and activities?
if you dont have a "why" in your life - you will constantly be tired - lacking energy.
there is nothing that will energize you more than to have and experience passion and vision and hope - and to know what your life is about... dont lose your intention... your purpose...your calling.
i dont want to move to burnout - and then to collapse...
one day this will just be a memory.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
the word of the day
is totally perseverance. everybody ive talked to today - including myself - is needing a supernatural strength... patience... perseverance... something! the enemy is attacking and oh it would be so easy to give up and run away.
aint gonna happen.
yesterday, what started out as a defeat, ended up in victory. i havent forgotten about that. Thank You.
I don't remember everything that happened yesterday in my TPM session, or what was said, but one of the things i DO remember is that it was a victory. God promised me rest - and He gave it to me. i got 5 hours. R O C K O N.
but then life happens
and rain (with car doors not secured tightly so it leaks in) happens
and work happens
and fasting happens
and rabbits happen
and dirty looks happen
and having to clock in happens
and not doing beth moore homework happens
and inconsiderate bosses happen
and the world happens...
im so sick of the enemy trying to make things happen
I can remember during my prayer time yesterday saying that I havent come this far to not choose well.
so here we go: i choose to rejoice.
Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
the Message puts it like this...
We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
passionate patience... never feeling shortchanged... can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit...mmmmm... i could read and reread that line all day long. maybe i will.
God I need You today. My friends need you today.
I pray against any headaches and feelings of being light headed. Give some of Your strength like never before to persist and persevere... this is for You. I pray for joy - for laughter - for peace. Peace for friends that are with family that havent always been healthy... for it to be refreshing and not stressful. I pray against the warfare taking place and for a quick selling for a specific house and for a husband's health on his birthday. I pray for discernment for all of us - God, to be able to see You and experience the things of You in everything that we look at, touch, listen to, or speak... I pray for focus. Incredible focus. It's embarrassing Lord... At least let me focus on You if nothing else, ok?
Lastly, I beg You to breathe peace... breathe Your peace on us so that we might breathe YOU deep.
God You are our victory and You are here.
aint gonna happen.
yesterday, what started out as a defeat, ended up in victory. i havent forgotten about that. Thank You.
I don't remember everything that happened yesterday in my TPM session, or what was said, but one of the things i DO remember is that it was a victory. God promised me rest - and He gave it to me. i got 5 hours. R O C K O N.
but then life happens
and rain (with car doors not secured tightly so it leaks in) happens
and work happens
and fasting happens
and rabbits happen
and dirty looks happen
and having to clock in happens
and not doing beth moore homework happens
and inconsiderate bosses happen
and the world happens...
im so sick of the enemy trying to make things happen
I can remember during my prayer time yesterday saying that I havent come this far to not choose well.
so here we go: i choose to rejoice.
Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
the Message puts it like this...
We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
passionate patience... never feeling shortchanged... can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit...mmmmm... i could read and reread that line all day long. maybe i will.
God I need You today. My friends need you today.
I pray against any headaches and feelings of being light headed. Give some of Your strength like never before to persist and persevere... this is for You. I pray for joy - for laughter - for peace. Peace for friends that are with family that havent always been healthy... for it to be refreshing and not stressful. I pray against the warfare taking place and for a quick selling for a specific house and for a husband's health on his birthday. I pray for discernment for all of us - God, to be able to see You and experience the things of You in everything that we look at, touch, listen to, or speak... I pray for focus. Incredible focus. It's embarrassing Lord... At least let me focus on You if nothing else, ok?
Lastly, I beg You to breathe peace... breathe Your peace on us so that we might breathe YOU deep.
God You are our victory and You are here.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
psalm 51
1-3 (the Message)
Generous in love--God, give grace!
Huge in mercy--wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,
soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I've been;
my sins are staring me down.
7-15
Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean,
scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don't look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don't throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I'll let loose with your praise
this is where i am today.
Generous in love--God, give grace!
Huge in mercy--wipe out my bad record.
Scrub away my guilt,
soak out my sins in your laundry.
I know how bad I've been;
my sins are staring me down.
7-15
Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean,
scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don't look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don't throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I'll let loose with your praise
this is where i am today.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
but the greatest of these...
is love.
question number one: what is faith?
faith is the belief in the trustworthiness of an idea. look it up if you dont believe me. when we say we dont have faith, what we are saying is that we dont trust. or that whatever it is that we are supposed to have faith in, is not trustworthy.
i don't trust well.
i don't trust often.
but sometimes trust can sneak up on you and you dont realize that you are in fact, trusting. for example, currently, i am trusting that the chair i am sitting on will not break despite the awesome italian food (and how many pieces of bread..?) that i had tonight. trust is believing that my alarm clock will in fact go off in the morning - not that i necessarily need it - but i trust in technology. but in terms of trusting people - not so much. why is that? i dont necessarily lack a 'trust' in them initially - much like i dont un-trust the chair will hold me up - but once that first chair gives out on me - i will be less likely to trust the next. does that make sense?
faith and trust are sometimes more for the other person to keep their word in what they said they would do, than it is for us to extend the notion in the first place. it is to maintain a certain level of 'trustworthiness.' if someone decides to trust you, please dont blow it. it could be detrimental to the rest of this process.
question number two: what is hope?
i have it tattooed on my wrist: esperanza. hope in espanol... i got this tattoo when the only thing i had to hang onto was hope. hope that God wasn't going to leave me where i was. hope that this was not the best He had for me. hope that it was going to get better - and that where i was at the time was not where i was going to stay. i didnt know what that would look like for me, i just knew that i had nothing else. hope is why we get out of bed in the morning. so to me, the answer is simple. hope is necessary.
question number three: what is love?
if you know me at all, you know how i feel about this. i dont say it often, but when i do, i mean it with everything i am. i dont joke about it and i dont take it lightly. love has been so skewed and so taken out of its truest context. when the unChristian hears "God is love" no wonder they aren't attracted to Him... first ask what they think 'love' is...
we have to correct this idea of 'conditional love' because that is an oxymoron.
there is absolutely nothing conditional about love.
feelings and emotions can be conditional - love cannot. love is real. love is eternal...
faith (and trust) leads to having a hope in something bigger and better than where you are... but its love that makes you believe it.
im not entirely sure why this is what i wrote tonight... because of all things, tonight my heart is hurting. i feel like ive let people down, and i feel very discouraged. i feel unworthy of this type of affection. but maybe thats why i write... to try to feel the things that i dont necessarily feel. tonight i was told that i would have to just let somebody 'prove it' to me... to prove that they were in this for the long haul... that what they said, they believed... and that there was no amount of control that i really had in this situation except to have a little faith in them... a little hope that it was true... and the ability to let them love me the way it was intended...
love is proven.
question number one: what is faith?
faith is the belief in the trustworthiness of an idea. look it up if you dont believe me. when we say we dont have faith, what we are saying is that we dont trust. or that whatever it is that we are supposed to have faith in, is not trustworthy.
i don't trust well.
i don't trust often.
but sometimes trust can sneak up on you and you dont realize that you are in fact, trusting. for example, currently, i am trusting that the chair i am sitting on will not break despite the awesome italian food (and how many pieces of bread..?) that i had tonight. trust is believing that my alarm clock will in fact go off in the morning - not that i necessarily need it - but i trust in technology. but in terms of trusting people - not so much. why is that? i dont necessarily lack a 'trust' in them initially - much like i dont un-trust the chair will hold me up - but once that first chair gives out on me - i will be less likely to trust the next. does that make sense?
faith and trust are sometimes more for the other person to keep their word in what they said they would do, than it is for us to extend the notion in the first place. it is to maintain a certain level of 'trustworthiness.' if someone decides to trust you, please dont blow it. it could be detrimental to the rest of this process.
question number two: what is hope?
i have it tattooed on my wrist: esperanza. hope in espanol... i got this tattoo when the only thing i had to hang onto was hope. hope that God wasn't going to leave me where i was. hope that this was not the best He had for me. hope that it was going to get better - and that where i was at the time was not where i was going to stay. i didnt know what that would look like for me, i just knew that i had nothing else. hope is why we get out of bed in the morning. so to me, the answer is simple. hope is necessary.
question number three: what is love?
if you know me at all, you know how i feel about this. i dont say it often, but when i do, i mean it with everything i am. i dont joke about it and i dont take it lightly. love has been so skewed and so taken out of its truest context. when the unChristian hears "God is love" no wonder they aren't attracted to Him... first ask what they think 'love' is...
we have to correct this idea of 'conditional love' because that is an oxymoron.
there is absolutely nothing conditional about love.
feelings and emotions can be conditional - love cannot. love is real. love is eternal...
faith (and trust) leads to having a hope in something bigger and better than where you are... but its love that makes you believe it.
im not entirely sure why this is what i wrote tonight... because of all things, tonight my heart is hurting. i feel like ive let people down, and i feel very discouraged. i feel unworthy of this type of affection. but maybe thats why i write... to try to feel the things that i dont necessarily feel. tonight i was told that i would have to just let somebody 'prove it' to me... to prove that they were in this for the long haul... that what they said, they believed... and that there was no amount of control that i really had in this situation except to have a little faith in them... a little hope that it was true... and the ability to let them love me the way it was intended...
love is proven.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
the God of the miracle
You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. You are the God who gave sight to the blind, gave the deaf the ability to hear, raised the dead. There is no other god that can do those things. My God is mighty to save. You are the same God who did these things years ago. I believe You hold that same power today and that You can perform miracles on a daily basis. Right now I'm believing for one in specific.
I remember, when i had just decided to really turn my life around (yet again) and after You had healed me, sitting outside on the back patio smoking a cigarette, really wanting to experience You again. I remember asking You for a shooting star - something that i think is probably the coolest things that You do up there... and when i get to heaven, i want to know if maybe You can let me launch one..? Anyway, it was such a clear night and i thought, if i could just SEE You, than id feel you... so i ask... and i wait... and then i said please... and then BOOM - across the sky shot my star... all i needed was a little bit of manners i guess to make it work..! i didnt need any super spiritual Christianese - i just needed to say please!
well, God, it is with that same faith that i sneak into your throneroom. i know its late - but i feel like You and i are on the same sorta sleep schedule... please turn the electricity on at my friend Natasha's house. (and on a separate note, thanks for bringing her into my life.) but God, back in the day, all you had to do was speak and light came into existence... could you do that again? Now? i would love to start the day off tomorrow (um... ok today) knowing that You, the God of the universe, had listened to us and moved on our behalf. That would be so stinkin awesome. we just want to see You do Your thing. send us a shooting star in the form of electricity and air conditioning. Im asking for a miracle.
Please..?
I remember, when i had just decided to really turn my life around (yet again) and after You had healed me, sitting outside on the back patio smoking a cigarette, really wanting to experience You again. I remember asking You for a shooting star - something that i think is probably the coolest things that You do up there... and when i get to heaven, i want to know if maybe You can let me launch one..? Anyway, it was such a clear night and i thought, if i could just SEE You, than id feel you... so i ask... and i wait... and then i said please... and then BOOM - across the sky shot my star... all i needed was a little bit of manners i guess to make it work..! i didnt need any super spiritual Christianese - i just needed to say please!
well, God, it is with that same faith that i sneak into your throneroom. i know its late - but i feel like You and i are on the same sorta sleep schedule... please turn the electricity on at my friend Natasha's house. (and on a separate note, thanks for bringing her into my life.) but God, back in the day, all you had to do was speak and light came into existence... could you do that again? Now? i would love to start the day off tomorrow (um... ok today) knowing that You, the God of the universe, had listened to us and moved on our behalf. That would be so stinkin awesome. we just want to see You do Your thing. send us a shooting star in the form of electricity and air conditioning. Im asking for a miracle.
Please..?
Sunday, September 21, 2008
the would haves
i find myself today very contemplative. very artistic. very romantic. maybe i should remind my brain that i'm only 23 - but i cant help it. im just wired this way - im created for something bigger... something deeper... regardless - i need to journal.
last night i got a text message asking to pray for one of my spiritual mentors... let me pause for a second: this is a position that i hold in very high regard - but also i found myself very inadequate to take on such a task. i was with another mentor of mine - who also got the same text... that was sent from yet another spiritual mentor... i felt conflicted. if you knew these women of God, you would not put me in this category unless you were also mentioned in the same sentence "outreach project."
whatever the reason, i was honored.
before i responded, i had a mental conversation with God. "Lord - huh?! Me? wrong number, Bro..." (ya, sometimes I refer to God as Bro... at least i capitalize the B...)
Long story short, I prayed my guts out for this woman's dad. He had chest pains and an aneurism in an artery going to his heart (i think...). When it comes to medical knowledge - i am fairly ignorant. I know that i have high blood pressure, a speedy pulse and i know when i dont feel great... thats about it. I do know that I'm sick of even hearing the word aneurism much like i am the word cancer... this is the 2nd person i know that has had one in the past month. i get pretty protective over people i care about, and the people that they care about. maybe that feeling is from my past because i never want to have anybody in my life feel like somebody doesnt want the very best for them. i believe that i know how it feels to be alone and to not have anybody fight for you.
i want to never be guilty of that.
i will do all that i can in my power to protect them and love them... and when i cant... i will pray.
so, i prayed for him. last night i believed i pleaded for his life. i felt like this was not how he was going to 'go' and i wasn't about to let my friend/mentor go through this type of thing.
sometimes as Christians i feel like we don't realize what we do when we pray - i am guilty of this. i have very few people in my life who approach the throne of the Almighty with courage and the authority that they ought. i can tell you that last night it was my heart - not necessarily my voice - that was crying out. God honored that. there was no sign of any aneurism in his test results this morning. Hallelujah.
as i was sitting outside on the patio earlier this evening, i was reminded of the power of the 'moment.' heres what God spoke to me today in the voice of a malbec and beautiful weather...i wonder if this is how Socrates and Plato had things revealed to them..? haha... who am i kidding...
The most important moments in life rarely come at a convenient time. Moments are the intersections between the past and the future. and just in case you were wondering, that time is now.
but heres the catch... moments cannot be retrieved. they can be remembered, celebrated, or regretted... but never relived.
The most spiritual act that you or i will engage in today - is the power to choose what you will do with your given moment.
One truth is certain - for those of us who refer to themselves as Christians, and those who are unChristian: time will not slow down and we will never be able to redo yesterday, yester-hour, or even yester-moment... there is no rewind button.
we need to ask ourselves - and not just ask, but really examine, what we are doing (or for that matter, not doing) with our lives now that could lead to deep regret. once a move is made - there is no going back...
i have experienced a healing from the Lord that most people - whatever their age - have never experienced.
He healed me.
there is no attitude of feeling entitled to even another breath... there can only be an attitude of severe gratefulness.
can i beg something of you?
please dont wait for the crisis.
if we wait around long enough, the crisis will come.
the crisis will always come.
but its better not to wait. take action.
do something.
do something even if you're not sure what it is youre doing, because even the act of taking action helps prevent sinking into helplessness.
heres what i resolve to do... i dont really care how cliche it sounds:
to love deeper
to laugh more
to give more generously
to live bolder
to never give up my spirit
to never yield emotionally
because heres the deal... when you resolve in your heart to honor God, He becomes involved in your life in ways you cannot foresee.
when we offer ourselves as instruments for God to use us - we create opportunities for other people to experience God through us.
how else would you rather spend your moment?
last night i got a text message asking to pray for one of my spiritual mentors... let me pause for a second: this is a position that i hold in very high regard - but also i found myself very inadequate to take on such a task. i was with another mentor of mine - who also got the same text... that was sent from yet another spiritual mentor... i felt conflicted. if you knew these women of God, you would not put me in this category unless you were also mentioned in the same sentence "outreach project."
whatever the reason, i was honored.
before i responded, i had a mental conversation with God. "Lord - huh?! Me? wrong number, Bro..." (ya, sometimes I refer to God as Bro... at least i capitalize the B...)
Long story short, I prayed my guts out for this woman's dad. He had chest pains and an aneurism in an artery going to his heart (i think...). When it comes to medical knowledge - i am fairly ignorant. I know that i have high blood pressure, a speedy pulse and i know when i dont feel great... thats about it. I do know that I'm sick of even hearing the word aneurism much like i am the word cancer... this is the 2nd person i know that has had one in the past month. i get pretty protective over people i care about, and the people that they care about. maybe that feeling is from my past because i never want to have anybody in my life feel like somebody doesnt want the very best for them. i believe that i know how it feels to be alone and to not have anybody fight for you.
i want to never be guilty of that.
i will do all that i can in my power to protect them and love them... and when i cant... i will pray.
so, i prayed for him. last night i believed i pleaded for his life. i felt like this was not how he was going to 'go' and i wasn't about to let my friend/mentor go through this type of thing.
sometimes as Christians i feel like we don't realize what we do when we pray - i am guilty of this. i have very few people in my life who approach the throne of the Almighty with courage and the authority that they ought. i can tell you that last night it was my heart - not necessarily my voice - that was crying out. God honored that. there was no sign of any aneurism in his test results this morning. Hallelujah.
as i was sitting outside on the patio earlier this evening, i was reminded of the power of the 'moment.' heres what God spoke to me today in the voice of a malbec and beautiful weather...i wonder if this is how Socrates and Plato had things revealed to them..? haha... who am i kidding...
The most important moments in life rarely come at a convenient time. Moments are the intersections between the past and the future. and just in case you were wondering, that time is now.
but heres the catch... moments cannot be retrieved. they can be remembered, celebrated, or regretted... but never relived.
The most spiritual act that you or i will engage in today - is the power to choose what you will do with your given moment.
One truth is certain - for those of us who refer to themselves as Christians, and those who are unChristian: time will not slow down and we will never be able to redo yesterday, yester-hour, or even yester-moment... there is no rewind button.
we need to ask ourselves - and not just ask, but really examine, what we are doing (or for that matter, not doing) with our lives now that could lead to deep regret. once a move is made - there is no going back...
i have experienced a healing from the Lord that most people - whatever their age - have never experienced.
He healed me.
there is no attitude of feeling entitled to even another breath... there can only be an attitude of severe gratefulness.
can i beg something of you?
please dont wait for the crisis.
if we wait around long enough, the crisis will come.
the crisis will always come.
but its better not to wait. take action.
do something.
do something even if you're not sure what it is youre doing, because even the act of taking action helps prevent sinking into helplessness.
heres what i resolve to do... i dont really care how cliche it sounds:
to love deeper
to laugh more
to give more generously
to live bolder
to never give up my spirit
to never yield emotionally
because heres the deal... when you resolve in your heart to honor God, He becomes involved in your life in ways you cannot foresee.
when we offer ourselves as instruments for God to use us - we create opportunities for other people to experience God through us.
how else would you rather spend your moment?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
what i got
Ephesians says this about me...
- in Him I have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on me with all wisdom and understanding.
- He is making known to me the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ.
- In him I was also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.
- I was also included in Christ when I heard the word of truth, the gospel of my salvation. I believed this - so here I am baby... signed, sealed, delivered...
I was dead in my transgressions and sins... but because of his great love for me, God, who is rich in mercy, made me alive with Christ... it is ONLY by grace I have been saved.
I must live a life of love, just as Christ loved me and gave himself up for me. This is SO important to me.
I will be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.
I will put on God's armor - all of it... so that I will take a stand against the devil's schemes. I will be able to stand my ground, and after it hits - still be able to stand. My struggle is against the enemy alone.
Belt of Truth - belts are meant to be wrapped around your waist - tightly - holding everything up...
Breastplate of Righteousness - to cover my torso, my heart... keep my heart from unrighteous things - it's the wellspring of life, right?
Shield of Faith - believing that the attacks and arrows the enemy uses will be repelled and not penetrate
Helmet of Salvation - to consciously remember that I am His... I am saved...
Sword of the Spirit - the word of God... knowing the word, and believing the things that i've written above, will be my ammo
So, where does this leave me? It leaves me wanting to believe this. It leaves me wanting to run to the local armor store and purchase the stuff - the real stuff... and not the cheap stuff either. I don't want to settle for the generic brand breastplate... or an aluminum foil helmet. But unfortunately I think this is what I've done. I went to Walmart to get my armor and I was looking through the sale racks...
I haven't taken this seriously. Have you? I mean, how often do we wake up and make the decision to wrap the center of our body with truth for the day? How sharp is your sword? If the word is sharper than any double edged sword, why does mine feel like a toothpick?
How's this for being real for tonight?
- in Him I have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on me with all wisdom and understanding.
- He is making known to me the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ.
- In him I was also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.
- I was also included in Christ when I heard the word of truth, the gospel of my salvation. I believed this - so here I am baby... signed, sealed, delivered...
I was dead in my transgressions and sins... but because of his great love for me, God, who is rich in mercy, made me alive with Christ... it is ONLY by grace I have been saved.
I must live a life of love, just as Christ loved me and gave himself up for me. This is SO important to me.
I will be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.
I will put on God's armor - all of it... so that I will take a stand against the devil's schemes. I will be able to stand my ground, and after it hits - still be able to stand. My struggle is against the enemy alone.
Belt of Truth - belts are meant to be wrapped around your waist - tightly - holding everything up...
Breastplate of Righteousness - to cover my torso, my heart... keep my heart from unrighteous things - it's the wellspring of life, right?
Shield of Faith - believing that the attacks and arrows the enemy uses will be repelled and not penetrate
Helmet of Salvation - to consciously remember that I am His... I am saved...
Sword of the Spirit - the word of God... knowing the word, and believing the things that i've written above, will be my ammo
So, where does this leave me? It leaves me wanting to believe this. It leaves me wanting to run to the local armor store and purchase the stuff - the real stuff... and not the cheap stuff either. I don't want to settle for the generic brand breastplate... or an aluminum foil helmet. But unfortunately I think this is what I've done. I went to Walmart to get my armor and I was looking through the sale racks...
I haven't taken this seriously. Have you? I mean, how often do we wake up and make the decision to wrap the center of our body with truth for the day? How sharp is your sword? If the word is sharper than any double edged sword, why does mine feel like a toothpick?
How's this for being real for tonight?
Thursday, August 21, 2008
the motive is love
If today had a theme it would have something to do with morality. And for anybody that's known me for more than about 47 seconds, you know that I, too, struggle with this. But here is what I re-learned today:
The motive is love - love of God, and love of others.
Obedience and morality come only AFTER a relationship is defined. Once you love someone - and you feel as though they love you in return, it is only then that you willfully obey them.
It starts with trust, which is followed by love, and ends with obedience.
As people in the 21st century, we do a great job of making the rules. It is much easier to follow a list of things to do, without ever getting any emotions or feelings involved. I know people who live by their planner. When you ask one of these people to lunch, it's an ordeal - figuring out if you can be squeezed in to a time slot - but only for an hour - because they have another appointment. We feel, in our PDA infested age, that if we could just simply restructure life and the things that come with it as a list of things to check off before 5pm (and not a minute later) we will have had a successful day.
But then I ask, what is the measure of success after all? What about for the rest of us who are relational?
If we go with the theory that we were created to be in a relationship with the One True God, and that nothing else would satisfy, then where do we get the idea that morality checklists are the way to success?
Donald Miller says this:
"Imagine how much a person's life would be changed if he trusted that he was loved by God? He could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulas of religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit anyway, and he could love people without expecting anything in return."
Basically, it would be beautiful.
I was sitting today in Chick-Fil-A, chillin with my waffle fries, when I noticed an interesting scenario about to take place. I saw a teenage girl - who probably just turned 16 - kinda just hanging out, sort of pacing back and forth. This caught my eye because you don't really see this happen at a fast food restaurant, so I set my book down but still pretended to not be very interested in anything except for my straw. I saw her talk to one of the young workers and the employee darted into the bathroom. He came back almost immediately and said something to this girl. It wasn't more than two minutes later when I saw a semi-tall, pretty lanky teenage boy - probably also 16 - in a Chick-Fil-A uniform and rubber gloves, come out of the bathroom. He had been cleaning. He scuffed his feet when he walked. Right when the young lady saw him she said, "I'm just gonna go ahead and go..."
They're dating!! How cute! She came all the way to his work, just to be with him!
But then my cheesy little grin went away pretty quickly when I saw his face.
His face was crimson with embarrassment, and he barely picked his head up to acknowledge her as he said with a sigh, "ok. i'm sorry." And with that, she was out the door.
I don't know why I was so moved over this. Maybe because I felt so bad for him that his steady girlfriend, of I'm sure about 2 weeks, now got to see him as, not a knight in shining armor, but as a fast food employee in rubber gloves having cleaned the bathroom... he was devastated and it broke my heart.
I say all of that to say that there is a certain freedom in getting our feelings of redemption from God and not other people.
It isn't quite the American dream, but it is DEFINITELY the human dream - the deepest desire and need of our heart and soul.
Anything else is a cheap imitation of a manmade answer to a God sized question.
The motive is love - love of God, and love of others.
Obedience and morality come only AFTER a relationship is defined. Once you love someone - and you feel as though they love you in return, it is only then that you willfully obey them.
It starts with trust, which is followed by love, and ends with obedience.
As people in the 21st century, we do a great job of making the rules. It is much easier to follow a list of things to do, without ever getting any emotions or feelings involved. I know people who live by their planner. When you ask one of these people to lunch, it's an ordeal - figuring out if you can be squeezed in to a time slot - but only for an hour - because they have another appointment. We feel, in our PDA infested age, that if we could just simply restructure life and the things that come with it as a list of things to check off before 5pm (and not a minute later) we will have had a successful day.
But then I ask, what is the measure of success after all? What about for the rest of us who are relational?
If we go with the theory that we were created to be in a relationship with the One True God, and that nothing else would satisfy, then where do we get the idea that morality checklists are the way to success?
Donald Miller says this:
"Imagine how much a person's life would be changed if he trusted that he was loved by God? He could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulas of religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit anyway, and he could love people without expecting anything in return."
Basically, it would be beautiful.
I was sitting today in Chick-Fil-A, chillin with my waffle fries, when I noticed an interesting scenario about to take place. I saw a teenage girl - who probably just turned 16 - kinda just hanging out, sort of pacing back and forth. This caught my eye because you don't really see this happen at a fast food restaurant, so I set my book down but still pretended to not be very interested in anything except for my straw. I saw her talk to one of the young workers and the employee darted into the bathroom. He came back almost immediately and said something to this girl. It wasn't more than two minutes later when I saw a semi-tall, pretty lanky teenage boy - probably also 16 - in a Chick-Fil-A uniform and rubber gloves, come out of the bathroom. He had been cleaning. He scuffed his feet when he walked. Right when the young lady saw him she said, "I'm just gonna go ahead and go..."
They're dating!! How cute! She came all the way to his work, just to be with him!
But then my cheesy little grin went away pretty quickly when I saw his face.
His face was crimson with embarrassment, and he barely picked his head up to acknowledge her as he said with a sigh, "ok. i'm sorry." And with that, she was out the door.
I don't know why I was so moved over this. Maybe because I felt so bad for him that his steady girlfriend, of I'm sure about 2 weeks, now got to see him as, not a knight in shining armor, but as a fast food employee in rubber gloves having cleaned the bathroom... he was devastated and it broke my heart.
I say all of that to say that there is a certain freedom in getting our feelings of redemption from God and not other people.
It isn't quite the American dream, but it is DEFINITELY the human dream - the deepest desire and need of our heart and soul.
Anything else is a cheap imitation of a manmade answer to a God sized question.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Sushi and Truth
Heres my revelation I had today at lunch - I guess its ultimately getting back to the basics of things. Regardless, it felt new to me today.
We are wired so that something outside ourselves give us life. So we, in our very nature, would seek a kind of redemption from an outside source... The way the sun provides life to a plant - that sort of thing.
So we begin our search. But what we find in our desire, and ultimately our lack of fulfillment, ever since the separation, and even more close to home - our "Great Sadness" - is for someone, or something that loves us. I can tell you that out of my own story - I have only experienced a love that is a i-love-you-only-when-you-(fill in the blank) type of love. This will always leave you miserable and you will find yourself going through your days feeling like less of a person. You live feeling like all you are is an object - only good for a service you provide. And when you are broken, like a piece of hardware, you will be dismissed... no longer of any use. So what do you do? You force yourself - despite the rust and inability to function properly - to keep performing so that you will not be thrown away. Because not being used at all, would somehow hurt more than the very act of being used improperly.
This makes sense to me.
We need this; we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose all self-awareness and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, or by identifying ourselves by the things that other people tell us we are, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, and by that, of course, I mean the Creator.
Maybe it was just the sushi I had for lunch, but either way, I found this interesting so I thought id share it
We are wired so that something outside ourselves give us life. So we, in our very nature, would seek a kind of redemption from an outside source... The way the sun provides life to a plant - that sort of thing.
So we begin our search. But what we find in our desire, and ultimately our lack of fulfillment, ever since the separation, and even more close to home - our "Great Sadness" - is for someone, or something that loves us. I can tell you that out of my own story - I have only experienced a love that is a i-love-you-only-when-you-(fill in the blank) type of love. This will always leave you miserable and you will find yourself going through your days feeling like less of a person. You live feeling like all you are is an object - only good for a service you provide. And when you are broken, like a piece of hardware, you will be dismissed... no longer of any use. So what do you do? You force yourself - despite the rust and inability to function properly - to keep performing so that you will not be thrown away. Because not being used at all, would somehow hurt more than the very act of being used improperly.
This makes sense to me.
We need this; we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose all self-awareness and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, or by identifying ourselves by the things that other people tell us we are, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, and by that, of course, I mean the Creator.
Maybe it was just the sushi I had for lunch, but either way, I found this interesting so I thought id share it
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
new beginnings
im the girl that searches for the perfect word. always. this will probably take me longer than it should.
let me start by saying this: my name is carly, and i enjoy getting redos.
golf calls it a mulligan. but God calls it grace. and i am currently experiencing it.
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